You know those life-lessons that come out of the blue and slap you round the face with a wet kipper? I had one of those today… and it was right that I should do so. I firmly believe that we should do our best to live by our lights and apply our faith and beliefs, whatever they may be, to our everyday life. I see little point in them otherwise. But sometimes, it is easy to lose sight of how those beliefs can be shaped by what we think of as normality.
One of the very first gifts of living with the Mysteries is losing the fear of death by coming to see the cyclical nature of life. By extension, the fear of ‘loss’ goes with it. And one of the things we teach in the Silent Eye is non-attachment. …And all these things had me by the proverbials and reminded me that while it is easy to say the words, it isn’t quite so simple to bring those principles through into everyday life with absolute impartiality.
I’d been reading Ian Probert’s Dangerous and had come to the chapter where he meets the father of a murdered boy. He describes the father’s reaction both in the immediate aftermath and longer term, taking the story from raw grief to beauty. It was inevitable that I thought back to the emotions that I had felt after my own son’s stabbing. At that point it had been touch and go… with survival being both unlikely and terrible given the prognosis. I had come close to losing my younger son then too, as he rode his motorbike at unthinkable speeds in his grief.
Recently they have both given me cause for concern and, with that leap of illogical emotion to which all who love can be subject…especially when death has come so close already… for an instant the bottom fell out of my gut as an image of loss rose unbidden and I saw a world in which they were not.
Perhaps it was a ghost of the PTSD walking over my complacency… these things are not cured, they only atrophy and fade. Time stands still when such emotions hit and, in the blink of an eye, you can imagine ten thousand horrors and experience every shade of grief and loss.
Then the kipper struck.
Steve had recently posted a poem about the perversity that allows us to know one version of reality and yet walk in another… and I realised that this was precisely what I was doing. I do not fear death…never have. Only the manner of its arrival and even that, being inescapable, is hardly worth the effort of fear. I do not fear death because I know that the essence of what we are does not die… and if I am wrong about that, then I won’t exist to know about it. Either way, there is no reason to fear. Nature maintains a cyclical rhythm…what dies feeds birth and growth. Everything continues to exist, after another manner. The falling leaves become the earth in which the tree grows. If there is, then, no finality about death, then there can be no loss, only a perception of loss.
It all falls down, though, when you think, for a moment, about the death of someone you love. What you can accept for yourself is entirely different from what you can accept for your loved ones. And then, when you lose someone you love, the pain and the grief may well be perceptions… but they will still rend you in pieces!
So here I was, believing in one reality yet allowing another to rule me through my emotions.
Was the kipper no more than a red herring?
I don’t think so.
Non-attachment is a very different thing from detachment. Non-attachment can feel and love but doesn’t grasp or cling, whereas detachment just doesn’t care. As human beings we learn to love and, until we learn to do so absolutely unconditionally, we grow attached to people. Even when we love from the higher side of our nature, loving without seeking to hold or rule, we still feel that attachment. It is because we love that we fear to see those we love suffer… because we love that we miss their presence and mourn their loss… their absence from our lives. The alternative is detachment and although that may be a good thing with which to study and observe, it is a cold and inhumane way to live.
We can believe… know…have faith… in what lies beyond the veil. We can understand the cyclical nature of Nature. Even accept that our emotions may be dictated by our hearts and our reaction to both circumstances and our own perceptions. But we are human and it is never that simple. And yet, I believe that it is.
I was taught that the goal of spirituality is to raise the human to the divine and bring the divine into humanity, ultimately making us One… both fully human and fully divine. To be fully divine is a goal that few may realise in an evolution; we can but learn to live through the higher heart. To be fully human lies open to us all. To live, to love, to feel, grieve and laugh with vivid and conscious awareness of life in all its infinite expressions…if we are a reflection of the One, then is that not also Its expression on earth? Maybe, by being fully human, we can find our way to the One within.
Sue Vincent's Daily Echo 
Among other things, that’s the best definition of non-attachment vs. detachment I’ve ever seen.
It also hit a whole lot of nerves for a lot of reasons and events over the year. “Soldiering on” is what we do, isn’t it? We swallow a lot of things. Don’t deal with them because the feeling are overwhelming. But the stuff is there. Hiding, waiting. Maybe it will never get you. Maybe it will. I think I’m more afraid of life than death. When you’re dead, one way or the other, you’re out of it. As long as you are alive, you have to cope.
Great post!
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Thanks, Marilyn.
Yes, we do… from one moment to the next, whatever comes, we deal with…even if dealing with it means shoving it in a dark cupboard and pretending it isn’t there. But it always is. Spring cleaning is good for the soul, in more ways than one.
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You really hit home with the statement regarding how we die, I had never consciously thought of what that might be for me. I feel for you and your concerns for your sons, I’m blessed I had a girl who’s at least a bit tamer than a typical boy, so she doesn’t create much worry for me. I do have concerns regarding an afterlife though, I’ve been doing tons of research of the paranormal over the last year for the book I’m writing. So I often find myself contemplating some not-so-common concerns….
If I become a ghost for whatever reason, will I suffer in a state where my only thoughts are of confusion and displacement? When I’m dead will I see demons and other scary creatures other other-side? Will I be lucky and cross-over to an existence in “Heaven” rather than be trapped in whatever place my heart held dearest? Will I be lonely? Do spirits really fill the skies? Are some ghosts just emotional stains left behind to replay some trauma, or are those in fact spirits trapped in an eternal replay of the tragedy that led to their death? I don’t want to be tortured like that, no way!
If I become a ghost will I cling to the living, causing grief because my attempts to communicate are unsuccessful or scary? I don’t know that the “Heaven” that’s most commonly described is a place where I would be content. Wouldn’t I get bored in a place where there is no contrast or curiosity to be quenched? Is heaven just another realm of existence in which we will also ascend to another unknown existence?
The possibilities are endless, and it will be interesting to write about them, but my curiosity remains. I do, of course, accept that there’s no real way of knowing the answers to most of my questions, at least not until my time comes. This subject is still a deep fascination for both my analytical and creative mind, hence the book I’m writing. It will be interesting to see how these questions drive my plot. Fun times 🙂
Beautiful and thought provoking post Sue, thank you ❤
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Girls bring their own worries… I was always glad I had sons and admired the mothers of daughters…especially having been one myself 😉
No, we have no provable way of knowing what happens after we die… we can read and research as much as we like, but only personal experience gives us the clues and sometimes that is no more than a curious conviction that we do know.
I am content with a belief that has answered all my questions and given me a star to steer by.
You’ll have to come over for a guest post when you are ready to talk about your new book 🙂
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Thanks Sue, I’d love to! I’ll let you know when the time arrives, it’s a ways off yet – busy writing the first draft still 🙂
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Well, you can always ccome over and write about the research too 🙂 But…any time, Michelle 🙂
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Great, that sounds wonderful, thank you 🙂
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🙂
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Reblogged this on Sun in Gemini.
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A very moving, wise, raw, beautiful, and somehow soothing post. Thanks for sharing Sue. Blessings, Harula x
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Thank you, Harula. x
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Reblogged this on Anita Dawes & Jaye Marie.
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Beautifully and thoughtfully provokingly put, Sue… I find myself thinking about this a lot, lately…
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So do I, Jaye. There has to be a coming together of belief and life…and death is as much a part of life as birth.
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I fully agree Sue. I tell myself I do not fear death but I think I do. Or is it that I do not want to leave my loved ones behind. Last year we ,hubby and I lost contact with our youngest son and his family. This has resulted in not knowing our nearly 3yr old grandson. This caused me the grief of loss . I was depressed and unwell my hubby was angry and hurt. This feeling of loss is what I fear more than death. Then this time last year my sister died bringing the spectre close in reality. You are right we live one set of beliefs and walk another in reality.
My husband and out youngest have met and come to an agreement to try again. Great news , yes but why am I afraid something will happen before we all get together?
I hope you understand what I am trying to say because I am not . xxxx
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I don’t think love ever goes anywhere, Willow, once given, it remains with us.
I do understand a little how you feel about your grandson. Mine is two and I haven’t seen a photo since his first weeks. Nor will I…and he’s halfway round the world. The saddest thing is that because I don’t kno him, I don’t love him…only a nebulous idea.
I do so hope things work out for you and your family. I’ll keep you in my thoughts xxx
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Thank you Sue that means a lot. I remember you mentioning your grandson before . Maybe he will seek you out one day. I do hope our lad will return and we can all be a family again I know his brothers would ike that too. Sorry to go on just feeling a little low today. fingers crossed for us all you and yours are in my thoughts too. xxxx
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I really do hope you can get things back on an even keel for all of you, Willow. x
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Reblogged this on firefly465 and commented:
Thought provoking and true.
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What a thought-provoking, well written post! Yes, what we accept for ourselves is far different than what we accept for those we love. Death feels natural for me down the road, but not for others. I need to ponder, as you have already done. Thanks for a great post.
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I doubt I have done pondering on this one, Jennie. But we have the rest of our lives to work it out.
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Glad to know I’m not the only one who has not pondered. Yes, we’ll have the time we have left to do that. Father Time, please slow down.
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I’ve pondered for years…the thoughts change ans grow with me. But I agree, Time seems to be running way too fast these days.
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To know one version of reality, yet walk in another ? This one hit me in a very personal way. I’ve been accused of being in denial of some very important issues with my own family, nothing like what you experienced with your son, Sue. But, still…. Thanks for this one. I have to go ponder it a while.
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Just what I needed to read about the non-attachment v. detachment. Much love to you. ❤
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And to you, Alethea ❤
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You’ve given us a lot to think about Sue. Attachment and Detachment can be loads words for many of us. The death throes of aspects of our selves and lives can stir so much and unleash fear. It makes us FEEL, which is after all so human.
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To feel is to be alive. Not being enslaved by those feelings is very different from either their denial or a dependence upon them. We are here to be human…and the best of ourselves.
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Thought-provoking post, Sue.
I know we have choices about a lot of things but somehow bonds of love have a way of entangling us in more ways than we often realise or want to admit.
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Expressing and experiencing love cannot be a bad thing.
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Reblogged this on Kate McClelland.
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Every time I’ve last an animal companion (as an adult) at some point I’d laugh through my tears, curse a little bit, and say something along the lines of, “You love’ em, and then they die and break your heart!” I’d have a bit of a pout about how unfair it all is, then get over myself. The grief wouldn’t go away any quicker, but that little ritual always helped me get through a little easier. It was sorely tested when I lost a human, but in the end it won out.
We humans have such a complicated relationship with attachment, and attachments, don’t we? 🙂
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hindsight editing ‘… Every time I’ve LOST and animal ….’ 🙂
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😀
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We do… and even though we know we can be attached to someone (furry or not) while still practicing non-attachment, we never quite seem to manage it.
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“Non-attachment can feel and love but doesn’t grasp or cling, whereas detachment just doesn’t care.” – well said for something i was trying to get down on (virtual) paper about a story character’s frame of mind. Both can appear the same to the outside observer.
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Yes, I think it can often look that way from the outside and be quite misleading.
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Well written thanks for sharing – we need more truths like this 🙂
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