“It really gets to me,” said my son, checking his phone as I was putting his socks on.
“What does?”
“Words… stuff like this…” He read me a passage from social media. I immediately saw what he meant. It was story about a little girl with a beautiful voice. It was a touching enough tale, without the need of the writer to add pathos. ‘Despite her disabilities’ we were told, she sings like an angel.
I could see my son’s point, but he expounded anyway. Why should having a disability mean that she shouldn’t have a lovely voice? Doubtless the writer was only trying to add an extra dimension to her talent. Without any doubt at all there had been no thought of marginalising any further a young lady already labelled as disabled…a word that means broken, unfit for use, rendered powerless… It was simply a figure of speech with no harm intended or implied. Yet the implication is clear, somewhere in the writer’s mind, there was surprise that a disabled child could sing so well.
What struck me once again was how many preconceptions and prejudices are built into our language. They may not even be our own, just ‘figures of speech’ for which we have few, or no, alternatives; phrases we have learned growing up and have simply accepted as being the norm because that is what everyone around us says, without ever thinking of the underlying implications.
One of the problems lies in how easy it is to hurt or offend a listener. You may know what you mean… they can only know what they see and hear. While we are not responsible for another’s reaction to our words, we are solely responsible for what we say and how.
Disability is something my son and I have become quite sensitive to over the past few years. We don’t jump on every imagined slight or slur, for the simple reason that we too have used those exact same figures of speech ourselves, often still do, without ever realising what effect they have on either our listeners or our outlook. It isn’t just disability though; in any area where there is room for prejudice… race, colour, religion, ideology, sexual orientation, age or gender… we have words and phrases that invisibly separate ‘them’ from ‘us’. Most of the time, their use is unconscious and completely innocent of offense… no more than a habitual pattern of words.
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Sue – I am deeply touched by your post, which such important wake call.
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Thank you. A little thought goes a long way.
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Thanks Sue – beautiful clarion call to be more conscious/aware of words we use.
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Awareness is the key, I believe, Susan. Most of us when we use these phrases simply do so without thought or intended offence. They are just habit.
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Talking to people has become like tip-toeing through a minefield. We all need to be sensitive, but by that I mean ALL of us. We have to not take offense when it’s obvious that none was intended. Hopefully we can educate people about how words that you may consider neutral don’t really come across that way. It’s like the day someone in my town told me how glad she was to meet me because she’d never known anyone of “the Hebrew persuasion” before. Or when a friend of ours told me secretly it never occurred to her that “people like Garry can get a sun tan.”
Sometimes, you just sigh, smile, and move on. Sometimes, you try to explain why that wasn’t necessarily the most diplomatic thing to say. I guess we all have to figure out when an attempt at education is worth the effort. Y’think?
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We all get it wrong sometimes, though a moment’s thought can avoid a lot of insensitivity, but I do think that cultivating a basic attitude of mutual respect insatead of distrust or dismay would help.
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You Son is Right. The Writer cannot be in two minds, one of disbelief and one of appreciation.
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The writer probably doesn’t see that as the case. So much of speech is unconscious.
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This reminds me of the initial reaction to Susan Boyle, the implication being that someone like her couldn’t possibly have a beautiful singing voice.
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Yes, it is very much the same thing… and her voice is simply incredible. Even I, who don’t watch TV, have seen the reaction when she sang.
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In fact, I’ve done it myself by using the phrase ‘someone like her’.
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It is that simple, isn’t it? And with the best of intentions too.
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So how do I make it clear what I mean. Whatever phrase I think of casts a judgement on her that she doesn’t deserve. Perhaps it would be better to say ‘someone not considered particularly prepossessing’. Oh, one can get so tangled up!
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In this particular instance, you were reporting the judges instant dismissal of Boyle’s appearance, age and attitude… and summed it up perfectly. And their judgement was both utterly inaccurate and a very sad illustration of the innate and invisible prejudices we can harbour.
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Ah yes, the disabled person as a source of ‘inspiration’.
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Nick has problems with that…
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This is powerful, and it is a powerful reminder of the danger of words and “micro-aggressions.”
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They pass unnoticed too, much of the time… but I do wonder how much they affect us unconsciously.
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Reblogged this on Kate McClelland.
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