Ani’s Advent Calendar 2018! Indiscretions, Mylo’s Advent Calendar and Geoff Le Pard

Living with another species is a bit of a learning curve. When you are a pup and the two-legses take you  home, you not only have to learn to be a dog, you have to do it with a load of silly rules even your own mother wouldn’t expect you to obey!

You start teething…your teeth itch, so you chew. Perfectly natural. But they get picky about what you chew… and how is a small dog to know what’s what? The only way to find out is to chew it anyway… and see whether they shriek. Same with the whole bathroom business… though most of us have been pretty well educated by the time we leave our mothers, human nights are loooong for small dogs, and accidents might happen.

Food is the biggy though. Two-legses are weird about food. If it is in the white metal prison thing, it is theirs… ‘cept when they let you have some of it anyway. Same applies to cupboards and tables… unless you can kidnap anything…

Mine was pretty strict when I was little. No two-legs food except in my own bowl.No scraps at table, no sneaky tidbits underneath it… though I was allowed to ‘hoover’ any crumbs. But visitors didn’t know that, did they? 😀

Some of them were easy to train… and she soon gave in after that. Now, I have her where I want her… well trained.

There have been several incidents over which I will draw a veil where food is concerned, though… ‘specially at Christmas. There was that year she left presents wrapped under the tree… and if she didn’t know what was in that box, I did! That’s when I found out dogs weren’t allowed chocolate. Boy, did she shriek! So I have every sympathy with Mylo who looks after Geoff Le Pard…. Let me just find a nice photo for him, though… he’s a partickler friend of mine…

Mylo and the Advent Calendar

Dearest Ani,

This is hard. You are a sweetie to invite we of the superior minds and better fur to join you on your blog for a Christmas snifter but, well, that title. It… hurts. Three years ago I’d have been bouncing like a newly minted Slazenger 50 but now, with experience, not so much.

I know you’ll understand and you may have some sage advice because, see, the thing is I have a bit of a blind spot about Advent calendars.

My two leges didn’t realise – or maybe they chose to ignore it. I mean food left out where I can reach it is meant for me, right? If they don’t want me to eat it, then they’d put it in their cold box thingy.

So when they left this square flat box thing on the table they must have known I’d smell its essential deliciousness and… investigate.

Now, if there’s one thing I like more than food… no, scrap that. Ha! As if!!. One thing I like nearly as much as food it’s a puzzle and this box was a puzzle. It smelt scrummy but it didn’t have a lid, or at least the little lids didn’t give onto to the essential eatableness of the contents. Well, girl, you know the answer to that. We aren’t named after a specific set of gnashers for nothing so out came the canines and it’s PAAARTAAAAY time. In moments the cardboard, silver paper and plastic housing were toast… do you like toast? I’m not big on sourdough, myself but a nicely browned granary and lashings of butter and…

What? Distracted? Moi? Soz. See, there were twenty-four little morsels of yum which disappeared in a trice. There should have been twenty-five but someone had nabbed the first one.

It felt good. Until they came home.

Now, ok, they can get a tad arsy when I eat off the table. He wasn’t happy when I finished off his Chicken Tikka that time, and she definitely didn’t enjoy it when I saved her from that orange polenta cake she’d just made – have you tried warm cake? It is sensational. But their reaction this time was a tad OTT, know what I mean? Words like ‘chocolate’ and ‘poison’ were banded around in that tone; you know. that tone – the one that ends in *shudders* ‘off to the Vet.’

Sure enough I’m bundled away, made to be sick, kept there in that torture suite overnight and left utterly miserable. I mean, if it’s so bad, why do they have it in the house? I suppose they may have wanted the cats to eat it – in which case I thoroughly applaud their motives. It’s about time they got rid of those two raddled old cushions.

That was two years ago and they did say something about learning lessons only… the next year one of the younger two leges was staying – my crew were off on some jolly… and there was that smell again. That ‘draw you in and force you to rip open the box to see what’s there’ smell. It wasn’t my fault. I mean, when they said ‘lessons had to be learnt’ I thought that meant them, not me.

So here we were again. Ashen faces, ‘chocolate’ and ‘poison’ being thrown around like a sour ball and I could just sense the ‘V’ word was about to be uttered when… they smiled. They took me to these scale things and we played ‘if you pick me up, I’ll force you to put me down’ game while they found out my weight (no, I can’t say; a gentledog doesn’t). They then printed this table off the interwebby, worked out that, for my weight I could eat one and a half calendars without having to go to… to that place and cuddled me all day! Result.

Still, it was touch and go as to whether I had to visit The House Of The Latex Finger and I’m not risking that again, thank you very much.

So, Ani, I hope you’ll understand about my reluctance to join in. I want to really…

Mylo

PS, in other news, I’ve found out that Thorntons have been trying out an advent calendar just for me. Here’s a video of the Beautician opening hers. Apologies for the rude word at the end but see how clever they’ve been. If I ate this one then I’d have no worries about the … gulp… you know. That Place.

Much love and Merry Christmas, Ani.


About Mylo’s two-legsGeoff Le Pard

Geoff Le Pard started writing to entertain in 2006. He hasn’t left his keyboard since. When he’s not churning out novels he writes some maudlin self-indulgent poetry, short fiction and blogs at geofflepard.com. He walks the dog for mutual inspiration and most of his best ideas come out of these strolls. He also cooks with passion if not precision.

Find and follow Geoff

Blog   Amazon author page

 Twitter     Google+   LinkedIn     Facebook

Find all Geoff’s books at Amazon

Apprenticed To My Mother

When my father died in 2005, I assumed my mother would need more support and someone to help with decisions she previously shared with her husband. What I didn’t realise was the role she had in mind for me: a sort of Desmond 2.0. Over the five years until her death, I played the role of apprentice, learning more about her and her relationship with my father than I had gleaned in my previous 50 years. We laughed, we cried and, occasionally we disagreed, and throughout she manipulated me as, I learnt, she had my father. Neither of us minded much; we were both her so willing fools, for she was an extraordinary woman and we both knew we were in the presence of someone very special.

‘Do you want my opinion?’
‘Yes.’
Will you listen to it?’
‘If it accords with my own, yes.’
‘And if not?’
‘I have spent nearly fifty-five years, apparently moderating my views to allow your father to think he was in charge of the big decisions and I’m not wasting time training you up only for you to let me down. I need reinforcement, not resistance.’

“I kept trying to ‘figure it out’. This was a memoir, right? A biography of someone who wasn’t on TV, wasn’t quoted on the news, wasn’t famous outside of a few incredibly lucky households. Only…it wasn’t that at all. The more I thought about this little book, the more I realized what it really is—a love story.” Extract of a review by Barb Taub.

About Sue Vincent

Sue Vincent is a Yorkshire-born writer and one of the Directors of The Silent Eye, a modern Mystery School. She writes alone and with Stuart France, exploring ancient myths, the mysterious landscape of Albion and the inner journey of the soul. Find out more at France and Vincent. She is owned by a small dog who also blogs. Follow her at scvincent.com and on Twitter @SCVincent. Find her books on Goodreads and follow her on Amazon worldwide to find out about new releases and offers. Email: findme@scvincent.com.
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69 Responses to Ani’s Advent Calendar 2018! Indiscretions, Mylo’s Advent Calendar and Geoff Le Pard

  1. Ritu says:

    Oh Mylo. I sympathise with you. My two legs, however, has a special flat box, just for me, so when the two mini two legs get excited in the morning, I do too!!! And I get a yummy treat! Just the one though…

    Liked by 4 people

  2. jenanita01 says:

    Mylo, you are every bit as funny as your two legs…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. TanGental says:

    Thank you Ani… *swoon….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ‘The House Of The Latex Finger’ – that had me laughing, Mylo. Tell your two-legs to invest in an Advent Calendar full of doggie treats. If you’re anything like Toby (the Cardigan Welsh Corgi) the word ‘Advent Calendar’ will have you on your best behaviour. In fact, we’re seriously thinking of buying 12 in the sales so that for the whole of 2019, Toby will be a good boy and do as he is told.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. TanGental says:

    Reblogged this on TanGental and commented:
    The Dog is visiting his friend Ani today with a cautionary canine tail…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mary Smith says:

    Oh, dear, poor Mylo. They should know, shouldn’t they, not to leave delicious smelling things within reach.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve never had chocolate Mylo, not even cake……….. well maybe a crumb or two but no frosting.
    There’s even doggy chocolate they say, and I haven’t had that either. Still, I do get other treats, and today we had Christmas dinner out and I had turkey and pigs in blankets, followed by cake.
    There was a nice bowl of fresh water to wash it all down too. Nice. Time to doze on my bed with my babies now. Love Maggie. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Darlene says:

    Hi Mylo. I know what you mean. My human parents won’t even let me have chocolate crumbs, not even a chocolate chip cookie. (Or maybe you call them biscuits). I am drooling thinking about them. Have a great Christmas, Mylo. I would love to run and play with you. Dot from Spain. Bow wow!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Mylo with that face of yours I’m rather surprised you don’t have a regular seat at the table, like your friend Ani 😉 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Another great letter to Ani, from a wonderful friend. Mylo is a really extravagant name too. Michael

    Liked by 1 person

  11. A great letter to have shared, Ani.

    Like

  12. I completely agree! If they don’t want you to eat something, they shouldn’t put it where you can reach it. I’ve told my humans this loads of times, but they don’t listen, and then they get mad at me when I eat something they didn’t want me to. Or, when I chew on things that are apparently not there for the good of my teeth. I really wish they’d learn to put things away if they don’t want me to have them. Then I’d know where I stood. They have so many rules, and sometimes it’s confusing… They should help a puppy out.

    I like the vets, but Milo’s trip to the vet doesn’t sound fun. Poor Milo.

    Lots of licks,
    Lilie

    Liked by 2 people

    • TanGental says:

      Hi Lilie. We have a vet in the family so I’ve kind of got to used to the ‘let’s give you a quick check shall we?’ when she pops round to inspect the fridge to see if it’s better stocked than when she lived here. But even so there’s some prodding and poking that seems a bit OTT. Still, I’ve always thought humans can get a bit angsty if I don’t set them to odd test from time to time, so keep they chewing and stuff: it’s good for their mental health, see. Merry Christmas to you and your bestest friend… Mylo

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh my dog. Reading about The House of the Latex Finger had me trembling all over – empathy Mylo, empathy. Two years ago my two legs forgot to close the kitchen door at night time after a great Christmas bake off. I had three quarters of a yummy Christmas cake before they heard the commotion. It was lovely at the time but boy was I ill after. Three days later I upped the Family Christmas docoration and half of one that said Merry Christmas. To this day we don’t know where the other half is. Since then both my two legs seem to run a very tight ship where goodies are concerned for some reason. I’m still waiting in the wings though – ever hopeful. Love Ben xx

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Pingback: A tale of temptation, carelessness and The House of the Latex Finger | Mucky Boots and Flawless Paws

  15. Lyn Horner says:

    Poor Mylo! I’m glad you survived you chocolate episode and the trip to the V place. Wishing you and your two legs Happy Holidays!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Jennie says:

    Oh, Mylo! Perhaps if you had only eaten 20… such a shame to have to be subjected to the laytex finger thing. The pleasures of the feast are short lived. Sigh! Merry Christmas!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Pingback: Ani’s Advent Calendar 2018! Indiscretions, Mylo’s Advent Calendar and Geoff Le Pard – Where Genres Collide

  18. dgkaye says:

    Mylo is oddly, as entertaining as Geoff, lol. And Ani, you got the vocabulary down pat. Now loving your ‘partickler’ word. Lol 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  19. willowdot21 says:

    Mylo and Ani I do know what you mean my undoing was freshly baked mince pies two years ago..
    Same nasty rigmarole but the two leges made a real fuss of me because they felt so guilty!! Love Ruby💜💜💜🎂. No Christmas cake either or pud 🤢

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Dale says:

    I’m so sorry to be laughing over here, Mylo but man… your two legses are really excitable, aren’t they?
    I’ve mentioned this to another Advent Calendar participant, but I’ve learnt not to touch anything on the counter. The eldest of the children who lives in my house? He loves really. I mean REALLY hot peppers. I accidentally got some when I stole a piece of meat. That burned for hours. So, no matter how delicious something smells, I just sit there and drool, make pretty eyes and they usually give in and give me some.

    Happy Christmas!

    Zeke

    Liked by 1 person

  21. macjam47 says:

    Oh Ani and Mylo, I understand completely. My name is Riley (Michelle’s granddog), and I’m always getting into trouble for eating the little granddaughters’ food. But they take their snacks to their little table and it’s right in front of me at chin height. Besides, they share everything with me, especially the little one. She shares bites of food with me – one bite for her, one for me, one bite for her, one for me.

    Liked by 1 person

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