I’m not the woman I once was…I know the hurt, the battle within.
I’m not the woman I once was… I’m not the mama I once was… but I’m me, please take me as I am, full of flaws… I know the hurt, the battle within.
My own mother was devoid of feeling towards most of her children, and I was the perfect black sheep in her eyes. She wasn’t affectionate, didn’t hug, or show love as I grew up. If she did show to any my siblings, I never once saw it. I told myself that I would the opposite with my own children, if I were to be blessed by God and given the gift of children.
I was blessed with three boys and one daughter (from my second marriage). My first born died in utero (inside me), labor was induced, and Shane was stillborn. I was crushed, and in an abusive marriage. My second son, Gene, was born ‘blue’, but he rallied around and with the grace of God, he is now a machinist. Sam, my youngest, was born and I thought life would be good. I lavished love, hugs, and kisses on both boys, and eventually left their abusive father. However, Sam ended up passing away at age five years old. I was broken, and full of shattered shards and bits of life, as we know it.
I’m not the woman I once was… I’m not the mama I once was…
– Many of you on social media know that I’m not who I used to be.
– I’m different now… a different ‘me’. It has been this way since October 1990.
– When I remarried, my new daughter never got the chance to know the ‘me’ before the new me. Rachel – you never got to know the first ‘me’ before ‘the new me’. I’m sorry you never got to meet the ‘first me’ – you may have liked that ‘me’.
– When Sam died, and after the tubes were removed, I rocked him in my arms for about 20 minutes. My body was torn apart and I could barely even breathe.
– I kissed Sam’s corpse over and over, and messed up his lips (he had been intubated and required lip filler), and nothing was ever the same.
– I’m sorry to both my kids on Earth, Gene and Rachel, and to my husband, for always being there in my physical form, but yet now ‘really there’. Imagine a zombie mother living in the house and baking cookies yet she isn’t really ‘there’. A mother going to Boy Scout events, field trips, musical events, sports games, and the like, but one part seems missing.
– As each year passes by, I am more ‘there’ but know that moments do happen and always will happen. You see change is inevitable, and some parents change even more so.
– For us baby boomers who have lost, we also never had enough pictures, and never will. Thankfully the millennial generation, have tons of instant pictures thanks to electronics. Life has taught me that if you are a parent, just love your children, say it and show it every day. Spoil them from time to time, (as it doesn’t hurt to give a little sometimes), and those are moments to treasure. Don’t let only Valentine’s Day be a day of showing your love; make every day that day. You only have the here and now so make the most of it, and you won’t be sorry.
WORDS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT LOST A CHILD/ CHILDREN
“Does it get any easier after losing a child? Somewhat…
Is it possible for a parent to be happy their child/children are perfect in Heaven above… and feel peace with that? Sure… (It took me twenty-three years for Eli and somewhat less for Joshua.)
Can a parent ever “get over” losing a child? No. This is the KING of loss. We can be happy that they are perfect in Heaven and sad at times when we miss them the most.
Bereaved parents are continually re-writing each day, as they try to cope with their new “normal.” This won’t change. We will think of our loss when other children reach milestones such as their first tooth, first steps, first words, kindergarten, holidays, best friend, graduation, prom, falling in love, first kiss, learning to drive, getting married… the list is endless. There will always be reminders of our loss.
The WORST things you can ever say to a parent who has suffered the KING of loss, even after one, ten, twenty, or more years? “You should be over it by now,” or “Move on with life.” You see, we are moving on with life. We just do it one hour… one day at a time… re-writing life as we go along.”
~S Jackson, October 2014
About the author
Mary L. Schmidt writes under the pen name of S. Jackson, and she is a retired registered nurse, who won the coveted Leora B. Stroup Bachelor of Science in Nursing Award for outstanding clinical performance, community involvement and academic achievement in Nursing Award, while at Fort Hays State University. She is a Member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators: The international professional organization for writers and illustrators of children’s literature, and Sigma Theta Tau International: The Honor Society of Nursing, which is the second-largest nursing organization in the world with approximately 135,000 active members. She loves spending time with her husband, Michael, who is also her co-author, A. Raymond; their son Gene, daughter Rachel, and first born grandchild, Austin.
Find and follow Mary
by S. Jackson, A. Raymond, & M. Schmidt
After surviving the cruel rage of tyranny from her mother and ex-husband, Sarah Jackson traveled a new path; a journey of loss, heartbreak, and ultimately strength. How do we survive the unthinkable, our child suffering from a terminal illness? Sarah Jackson’s life will teach you that despite all the hardships, you will survive, even if at times it feels like you won’t.
The story is a very moving account of the author’s life and most importantly the story tells of her son Eli who becomes sick with cancer and subsequently dies. The book is in four parts with the third part being told from her diary recounting the months of Eli’s illness and his passing away. The first two parts of the book set the scene and show how Sarah’s life has been hard with an abusive mother throughout her childhood and then marrying a husband who is also abusive. As I read I felt very much that the mother was a psychopathic narcissist at best and the husband was an abusive alcoholic who had no feeling for his family and his only love being the bottle. Sarah has a very hard road which many of us would not survive I am sure. Her faith though does give her solace and even though it wavered at times in the end does help her through. I enjoyed reading the book but not so much the diary format although this was a way of telling the story day by day. I admired Sarah’s love and devotion to her children and her loving heart comes through. How she managed to cope with the mother’s ongoing abuse through her son’s illness is beyond belief. ~ Julie Watson, Author
I downloaded this book because I saw it had won several awards, and I’m not surprised. Just about any reader who thinks they have had a tough time in life had better think again. Sarah had everything thrown at her, a mother who was poisonous to say the least, who then teamed up with her daughter’s abusive husband and neither of them gave her a moment’s peace as she sat by the bedside of her five year old son who was dying of cancer. Their behaviour was cruel, unfeeling and unforgivable. How Sarah coped is a testimony to the strength an individual can summon up in times of crisis – and this crisis lasted for seven months. Written in the form of a journal, we follow the progress of Eli as he lies in hospital. I didn’t understand some of the medical terms, but enough to chart how he started to improve then had yet another setback. The results of the autopsy were devastating. I highly recommend this book, it will make you count your blessings and realize that there are people out there who are brave beyond belief. S Jackson has my total admiration, a woman of courage and compassion and strength. ~ Books Best, Author
Available via Amazon