I had occasion recently to talk with someone whose actions had once caused me a good deal of pain. I was asked, in the light of later maturity, if I could ever forgive them.
I found that I could not.
I could not forgive because I had never really blamed. I cannot blame what I can understand. That does not mean that I condone, accept or agree with harmful actions. It simply means that if I can see why it was, for that person and at that moment, the only thing they felt they could do, I cannot truly blame. If I were them, I would be in their shoes at that moment and would I have acted any differently? Probably not.
It is something none of us can know. We will never be in their precise position and can only hope that if we were in a similar situation, we would do otherwise. That does not make any of us better than another, or any more likely to take the best course instead of a reactive one. It just means that we approach each moment with a different arsenal of experience with which to make our own choices… and our own mistakes.
“I forgive you.”
The word sounds like the giving of a gift, doesn’t it? In some respects, that is true. But what exactly are we giving… and to whom? A full pardon for an offence? An assurance that we will put the memory of that offence behind us? Or a complete forgetting of all that the offence engendered? Whatever those words mean for each of us, the simple fact of choosing to forgive implies that we feel a wrong was done and that some aspect of that injury remains. If not, there would be nothing to forgive.
By offering forgiveness, there is also an implication there has been an admission of guilt… a mutual accord that wrong has been given and received.
Is it even humanly possible to choose true forgiveness and forgetting in a single moment? To wipe the slate clean with three words, leaving no trace of hurt, resentment or guilt? I don’t think it is. We may be able to maintain an attitude of forgiveness and genuinely act from the heart, as if it were true, but all hurts take time to heal and memories need time to fade.
The only way I have found to really forgive a perceived injury is to change my own relationship to it. Sometimes a little human understanding is enough and the old platitudes about ‘walking a mile in their shoes’ and ‘there but for the grace of God, go I’ can be enough to create that change. Many injuries are not what we feel them to be but have their cause rooted somewhere beyond the obvious.
Sometimes the change may come with a flash of understanding sparked from an outside source, like the words of a friend or a chance phrase you have read. Most of the time, though, you have to dig deeper, realising that in hanging onto your resentment, the only person who is suffering may be yourself.
Continue reading at The Silent Eye
Sue Vincent's Daily Echo 
I think by forgiving someone we are giving ourself the gift of not living with that passion and sense of injury or betrayal! I find that it is worth forgiving even if we could never understand their motivations
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I agree, Sadje. But I think we can often take it one step further and give ourselves the gift of understanding why we feel there is a need to forgive in the first place.
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That’s so true. I forgave someone who was unkind to me when I was a child. I am ambivalent towards her now and at peace.
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I found something similar, that allowed me to regard the person with compassion, rather than more destructive emotions.
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That’s my experience too.
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I loved your perspective. Have a good time
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Thank you, Muntazir.
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I felt drawn to your depth of understanding of forgiveness. I have found to forgive, I must still harbour the hurt in some way. To understand I can accept (not condone) and find my peace with it. We are what we carry inside. So beautifully written, Sue. Thank you. ❤
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Thank you, Jane. Words and actions need not be approved or accepted as right, but we can let go of the hurt we carry and the blame we hold. ❤
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❤ ❤
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Like you, I am able to understand (in most cases) why people act the way they do or say the things they say. I believed I was being too ‘touchy’ or sensitive, reading between lines things that weren’t truly there, but in hindsight realised it was just the way it was and I learned to keep quiet rather than take umbrage. For one, it was a matter of proving they were top dog and had one over on me, but when I ignored the jibes, I actually felt better, whereas they did not. I hope they have found peace in whatever form now.
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It is very difficult to hold a grudge when you understand why people behave the way they do.
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I know. I have my moments, but they don’t last.
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Same here. I can flare wiith the best of them, but fizzle fairly fast 😉
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Are you a Taurean by any chance?
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Virgo 😉
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not that then!
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Nope 😉
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