Dear… well, you didn’t acually give me your name, did you? Just an acronym…
Congratulations! Yes, you managed it! You got a reaction!
I must apologise, however, for being such a disappointment. I know my reaction is possibly not quite the one you were hoping for.
I must say though, you did an excellent job. It is not through any lack of thoroughness on your part. I hold up my hands… mea culpa. It is not you. I am to blame…
I was, unfortunately, unable to respond in anger or confusion. I reprehensibly managed to resist that temptation. I failed to take an offensively defensive position, or even to curl up in a foetal ball, wondering what I had done to offend you, how I could possibly appease you or change your obviously poor opinion of me.
The fact that you cast aspersions upon my person, methods, ethics and talents in one magnificently arrogant and wholly superfluous attack did not escape my notice. Nor did I fail to observe that the facts you cited were superbly incorrect and perfectly designed to undermine any lingering self-confidence that might remain after wading through the allusory morass.
And I? I did not even manage to weep at your words.
I did something much worse than that.
Then sent you to my spam folder.
Any future such epistles will receive the same treatment, except that now, I will not need to waste my time reading them. So please, do feel free to continue sending them. I would much rather they came to my spam folder than have them land in the inbox of someone more fragile and susceptible to insidious sabotage. Did you know that the word ‘sabotage’ comes from the French…to ‘kick with a heavy wooden shoe’? In modern parlance, I suppose we would call it ‘putting the boot in’ or ‘kicking someone when they are down’. But, I digress… I’m sure you knew that.
I did track you down, you see… and found that your speciality is leaving provocative, if fairly irrelevant comments on perfectly good blogs. I note that, sadly, you receive very few responses to your vituperative tirades however, so I thought you might appreciate this one.
I am unsure quite what you expect to gain by lambasting people to no useful purpose. I did wonder if you were related to Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged. You know, the chap who fills immortality by insulting everyone in the universe in alphabetical order. You must have read Douglas Adams? No? Then, I suspect that you are merely bored and can find nothing more productive to do with your time than entertain yourself by attempting to devastate or anger perfect strangers.
I do understand that life can seem a drab, pointless affair, though. So, if you are in need of further amusement, may I recommend that you visit my Amazon pages?
If you press the little button that says ‘leave a review’, you can be as scathingly derogatory as you like. There are over twenty books out there with my name on the spine, all of which are in need of further reviews. That should keep you occupied for a while.
You do not need to buy a copy… Amazon permits you to leave a review of a book acquired elsewhere… or, indeed, not read at all. Unfortunately, the lack of a ‘verified purchase‘ tag may alert potential buyers to the fact that you are simply amusing yourself, but don’t worry, Amazon’s own algorithms will take note of your comments. Sadly though, they will simply register another review… which will add to the tally and lead me ever-closer to being promoted by their services.
We both benefit, you see.
In conclusion, even though I did not add my contact page to the blog with the specific intention of allowing non-humans* access to my email inbox and time, I would like to thank you for getting in touch. Your visit was educational… I had never encountered one of your kind before. I am happy that you found something here with which to amuse yourself and I am very grateful for your comments. As you will note, I have drawn much inspiration from them,
*This is in no way intended to offend you, it is simply a recognition of the divergent evolutionary path of trolls as a non-human species.