(One from the archives)
I blame the hotel with its tea tray
So tempting just laid there, you know
While the shortbread could possibly linger,
The ginger nuts just had to go.
I had made up a nice cup of coffee
To revivify me from the drive,
For the road had been long since the morning
And I just couldn’t wait to arrive.
Then all of a sudden I’d spied ‘em,
All cellophane-wrapped in their pack,
And once I had stretched out my fingers
I knew there’d be no turning back.
My Nemesis came back to haunt me
I never buy biscuits these days…
Not since the well dunked ginger biscuit
Became a gastronomic craze.
There’s an art to this ginger nut dunking
Too little they’re still hard to bite,
Too much and they splosh in the coffee
And drown like a ship in the night.
Then you have to look round rather quickly
To see if observers have seen,
Then fish with a half eaten biscuit
To find where the fallen bit’s been.
If you’re skilful, or lucky, it’s floating
And, with a quite dexterous roll,
Plunge the half eaten bit in to catch it
And swallow the soggy stuff whole.
But the slightest delay spells disaster
So you just have to give it your best…
You should have dived in their much faster,
As the half eaten bit joins the rest.
Now deep in the depths of your coffee
A ginger nut morass is lurking
And a last ditch attempt with the teaspoon…
You can tell that it just isn’t working.
Do you fish around coyly and chase it?
For, if you do catch the absconder,
You then need to think of disposal
And that is a fresh one to ponder…
Do you eat from the teaspoon naively?
And hope there is no-one to see?
Or clean off the spoon in a napkin,
Hidden furtively down by your knee?
Now, this isn’t so bad in your kitchen,
Where no one can see what you’ve done…
But here in the posh hotel lobby
You just want to cut it and run.
But you can’t, cause the ginger nut lurker
Is there in the depths of your cup,
Not so easy for you to dispose of
Even though you just drink it all up…
So you sit there and ponder the question
Do you drink and have dregs on display?
Or leave half the coffee still in there
And smile… walk politely away?
Though, if there is nobody watching
You could rinse the cup out with milk,
All the while in the hope that observers
May secretly be of your ilk.
You could, of course, be really sneaky
And wait for your friend to get up,
Then as they are leaving the table
Surreptitiously exchange the cup.
But not everyone gets so embarrassed
Though we British can be so uptight
That we happily dunk ginger biscuits…
Then worry that it’s impolite.
I can tell myself tales of all horrors,
And have nightmares of tea at the Ritz…
But that coffee and ginger confection
Will leave good intentions in bits.
And in spite of my stiff British manners
It is more than a question of taste…
When a whole pack of ginger nut biscuits
Takes up residence right on my waist.
See, for me the real problem is other
And although this ‘ere text is predictive,
My problem with biscuits is simple
Dunked ginger nuts are just addictive.