Clouds dark as bruises
Hide behind a smiling mask
Chill rage of tyrants
Cherished illusions shattered
Silence mourns lost innocence
*
There are many forms of abuse within relationships. Not all of them leave bruises, but all of them leave scars. The less visible forms of abuse are often the ones that cut deepest and are the hardest to heal and their effects can be felt decades after the abuse has ended.
Many victims of abuse do not even realise that they are being abused, because the methods, including economic control, are insidious and do not always manifest as physical violence.
The welfare of children and pets can be used by abusers as weapons of coercion. Psychological abuse damages self confidence and can eradicate all sense of self worth. Social interaction can be restricted and controlled. Economic abuse effectively places victims in a position of dependence on their abuser and making it exceedingly difficult to leave.This can include holding the purse strings… or spending all the household income and expecting the victim to deal with the fallout. Victims may be forbidden the use of transport, have restricted access to food or be forced to go without necessities.
A draft bill just released in the UK has recognised the various methods of non-violent and economic control imposed upon partners in abusive relationships. It is a small step forward, but an important one, offering some protection to the victims.
Domestic abuse often goes unreported. Tragedies happen behind neighbours doors in households ruled by fear. Even when abuse is reported, it is not brought to justice as abusers have been able to coerce their victims to retract their statements.
It is not only women who are abused… many men suffer too, and for them it is even harder to escape, for our society expects them to be able to defend themselves and a man who cannot may be stigmatised as a weakling. Anyone who has suffered domestic abuse knows that it is never that simple…
Last year alone, in the UK, two million adults are known to have suffered domestic abuse. Of these, almost three quarters were women. On average, two women are killed every week in this country by their partners or ex-partners, who are almost always male.
There is help out there… and the law is beginning to recognise the need for change. In the UK, Refuge and Womens Aid are two of the many charities dedicated to ending abuse and helping victims become survivors. If you are a victim, or believe you may be a victim of abuse, open an in-private tab in your browser that will not show in your search history and visit their sites.
There is no shame in being a victim of abuse. It can happen to anyone… and the methods can be so vicious or so underhand that you are trapped before you realise. You don’t know where to begin… how to cope… where to go…
Becoming a survivor can happen to anyone too and you do not have to do it alone. Help is out there… you just have to ask.
Sue Vincent's Daily Echo 
A very thoughtful post. And now, I’m thinking. That opened up a world of ideas …. not entirely pleasant ones. Life. Can’t live with it. Can’t live without it.
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Too many people still suffer domestic abuse… I don’t know what can be done to change us so that it doesn’t happen, but I do know that you can get help to walk away… and every positive change in the law is a step in the right direction.
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In subtle ways, I think some of us live with abuse, and put up with it out of loyalty or even love…
Emotional blackmail, I think they call it…
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That is one aspect of it… but it can be dreadfully damaging.
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This I know…
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From a survivors point of view, great post, thank you, Sue. xxx
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Thanks, Adele. It was written from that perspective too. xxx
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Hugs to you, Sue. ❤
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Hugs xxx
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A good post Sue.
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Thanks, Di.
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The most we can do, most of us, is share awareness of the issue. The people who know least about it are usually the ones being abused. I’ve re-blogged this.
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I appreciate the reblog, Mick. Sadly, many people who are being abused have been so beaten down, physically or psychologically, that the only way they endureis in denial… believeing that they ‘deserve’ it somehow.
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Yup, I’ve met a couple. It’s ‘All my fault.’
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That’s often the first symptom of abuse and a vile one to impose on anyone.
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And next there are all the comments about how ‘supportive’ and ‘helpful’ the abuser is, helping the victim to break their ‘bad’ habits…
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Yes…that’s another common tack..
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Reblogged this on Mick Canning and commented:
A useful and thoughtful post from Sue Vincent.
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Such an informative, helpful post. As someone who worked in the field of family violence for two years, it’s so refreshing to see someone talk about the other forms of abuse (other than physical).
I saw some of the worst abuse in forms other than physical; financial was a big one. As was the use of knowledge of the system. Too many times I’d try to hook a survivor into legal services only to find the other party had done something to make accessing a lawyer impossible (I won’t say how they did it in a public forum).
We need to make more people aware of all types of abuse, and the best way is with posts like these. Well done Sue.
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Thanks, Jess. The inventiveness of such cruelty knows no bounds, I’m afraid, and can quite appreciate the lack of detail here. The worst of it is that the abusers often present such a pleasant face to the world too, so their victims feel they will not be heard.
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Absolutely. I got to see some of them in action at court. Super smooth.
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There are words for them, but not on a family friendly blog…
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Reblogged this on Not Tomatoes.
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Thanks, Alethea xxx
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In one of the backstories for a character in My Wolves of Vimar Series, the character suffers from abuse. Not physical, (until the end) but controlling. As you say, this is the most insidious form of abuse and can go on quietly without anyone, sometimes not even the person being abused, noticing.
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That type of abuse undermines any reserve of strength very quickly.
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Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
Sue discusses Abuse…
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A most excellent post, Sue. Many women are abused in some way at some point during their lives. I struggle to think of one woman I know who has suffered in some way in the hands of an abusive man.
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I know a good many men who suffer abuse too… but that is less often talked about openly.
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An important and sad post. Thanks, Sue
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Some things needto be said, Jacquie.
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A deep insightful post Sue. As you say mental abuse comes on slowly the abuser often makes themselves indispensable organising money, bills, shopping,cooking being so helpful that to the outside they look like saints. When things don’t go their way they change, in private. The abused will find themselves carrying all the blame, bullied, harranged hopeless. So hard to break the cycle. 💜💜
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I know, Willow…and that invisible harm is the hardest to bear or to escape. ❤
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Yes indeed it is 💜
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Domestic violence a Very painful reality for many men and women. I don’t understand why the abusers “think’ they have the right to mistreat others, and why the abused allow to be abused.
Great post, thank you for sharing, hopefully people takes conscious.
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Abusers are often very insecure about themselves and assert their authority over their victims to ‘prove’ they are superior…to themselves. Their victims allow it to happen because, at first, they cannot see or believe what is happening… they love and live in hope… and by the time they realise, it is often too late.
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How sad. 😢
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It is, very.
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🙏🏻🙏🏻 My heart and prayers go out to people suffering violence.
😢
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An important topic, Sue, and I’m glad that the UK is heading in the right direction. Perhaps in a couple of years or so, the US will follow along.
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We can only hope so, Diana.
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Important post, Sue.
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It’s an important topic, Jennie, too often swept under the carpet.
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Yes it is!
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