Okay, I admit, I am a bit confused. I’ve had letters to Santa, Christmas poems and stories from two-legses and four-legses… even from a two-legs who is also a four-legs… but this one is from a two-legs who is almost a four-legs, and a hairy one at that…
Still, even though he is more
orange red haired than me, we do have some stuff in common. Apart from liking bananas. My Dad was Irish and a redhead… and you know how I can legitimately claim that nothing is my fault because I’m genetic? Well, it turns out that the Ape is genetic too! That’s why he sent me a poem! The Hairy One inherited his poetic talents from his mother, Agnes Mae Graham and he pubished a collection of her poems last year
Now, she says that being genetic may not be all I think it is, but I say that if it gets me out of trouble, then it works for me. Even Santa can’t blame me for my genes (though she keeps grumbling at hers and saying they must have shrunk…). So Santa, can we make allowances for mine, please (and bring her some bigger ones…)?
Mind you, I am taking the Ape’s poem as a cautionary tale… she cooks nice stuff at Christmas too and I would hate for her to down tools when I make a bit of noise guarding our airspace against pigeons and hot-air balloons…
Trouble at the North Pole
By Chris Graham
T’was coming up to Christmas Day,
it was only some days away.
The elves were hammering tin
and making quite a din,
When suddenly a shout did erupt.
“WILL YOU ALL – PLEASE – SHUT – UP.”
T’was Santa’s Wife who uttered thus,
she was making quite a fuss.
Every year, it was the same,
she acted like a Pantomime Dame.
“I can’t hear myself think,
it’s almost made me turn to drink.”
“But Mrs S,” the Foreman said.
”We’ve got our orders from Big Red.
One hundred tin drums we’ve got to make.
We won’t take long, for goodness sake.”
His duty done, he turned away
”Get back to work Elves, we ain’t got all day!”
Well – Mrs S didn’t stand for that,
she quickly donned her coat and hat.
“I’m outta here!” she exclaimed
“If Dinners burned, I won’t be blamed!”
“You can feed yourselves,
you noisy Elves”
The Elves downed tools and went quite quiet,
remembering that last year, they had to diet.
Eating nothing for several days,
it gave them all a bad malaise.
“No Food, No Work!” they spoke as one,
“These tin drums will not get done!”
“But Santa Clause” the Foreman sniffed
“will not be pleased – he’ll be really miffed!”
“Better that, than us eating air!”
again, one voiced, they did declare.
“Please stay Mrs S” the Elves all pleaded,
“Your tasty food, for us, is needed”
“Instead of drums, we’ll make Teddy Bears.
All soft and cuddly, with downy hairs.
We promise there’ll be no more noise,
we’ll all be quiet Elven girls and boys.”
That being said, they dropped their tools
and sat back down upon their stools.
Mrs S could not complain,
peace and quiet once more did reign,
the elves were working hard and fast
making Teddy Bears that will last and last.
All the Bears were brown, not blue, or pink.
The kids will still be happy, don’t you think?
About the Ape
Chris Graham, also and perhaps better known as The Story Reading Ape, is an avid reader and the most supportive Ape known to Indie, Dog or other literary bipedal and quadrupedal lifeforms.
His website offers a huge array of resources for writers,as well as humour, publishing news and a platform where writers can be read, share their expertise and promote their work. If you don’t already follow TRSA, grab a banana and head on over.
Find and follow Chris
My Vibrating Vertebrae
Agnes Mae Graham
Edited by Jo Robinson
We all have dreams, loves and hopes; but what if you are a girl growing up in 20th century Northern Ireland before, during and after the ‘Troubles’? From the poetic thoughts of our Mother, we get a sense of what it was like, ranging from humour, sadness, wistful thinking and sometimes just downright nonsensical, these are the words of one such girl.
Antlers are for Reindeer!
If you would like to help save Ani from a fate (she says) worse than death, send your Letters to Santa, festive memories, short stories, flash fiction or poems to the Small Dog. She will post them every day through December until Christmas.
She would especially like to hear from her four-legged or feathered friends (she has a special place very close to her heart for turkeys)… but she says that two-legs are better than none, so she will accept submissions from humans too.
To get in touch, please use the form on the contact page or email Ani at firstname.lastname@example.org