To clear this rotten bug away that’s been a lousy joke,
I thought I’d run a nice hot bath and have a lazy soak.
I could, I thought, put something in, to make the steam work well,
I settled on some lavender, ‘cause that’s a favourite smell.
*
But as the water slowly ran I peered at my reflection
And noted that my silken locks were far from such perfection.
They look more like a Brillo pad, though made of gold and copper-
I took the meat-shears to the stuff, prepared to come a cropper.
*
The bathroom mirror’s far too high, there isn’t that much light
It’s hard to enough to see the sides, the back is out of sight.
But never mind, I have the knack, I’ve done it oft before…
Just close your eyes and start to hack and hair falls to the floor.
*
I do not recommend you try, unless you do not care
What might remain upon your head in place of frizzy hair.
I’d done this once before and found temptation had prevailed,
Attempts to trim the fuzzy bits had manifestly failed.
*
I’d ended up like Peter Pan, my hair all short and neat,
I dyed it orange, loved the look, and thought it worked a treat.
This time, with scissors in my hand I let temptation go
And gently trimmed the worst of it…I want the stuff to grow.
*
It still looked frizzy when I’d done…so grabbed the olive oil
With beaten egg and vinegar and wrapped my head in foil.
The dog, who knows I’m mad, of course, looked on with ears askew
She knows I do odd stuff with food but this was something new.
*
I wrapped a towel all around, I’d give it half an hour,
Then try and get the mayo out by scrubbing in the shower.
That wouldn’t do the trick alone, so thought a bit meanwhile
And made a strong decoction up of sage and chamomile.
*
My kitchen may resemble that of poor old Mother Hubbard
But there are odd things lurking in the back of every cupboard.
If any guest comes unannounced, I’ve nothing in for dinner
But if they want conditioning then they’re onto a winner.
*
I’m no good as a hairdresser, but not that bad a cook…
Though not a great coiffure, I had at least improved the look.
I thank the fairy godmother who gave me curly hair
It hides a multitude of sins, so straight–haired girls beware.
*
Just go and see a hairdresser and have it cut with class.
Or save yourself some money and just don’t look in the glass.
But if its shine you want, inspiring poetry and ballad
Forget expensive hairdressing… just treat it like a salad.
*
Sue Vincent's Daily Echo 
I also cut my own hair. With mixed results. I sure hope you feel better soon!!
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I just thank the gods for the curls that hide the hacking 😉
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true class Sue. Shiny and with a curl or two of funnies. The perfect hairy poem.
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Thanks, Geoff… this stuff just writes itself. 😉
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You have my hair sympathy…I hate my hair..excellent poem, very funny!
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I don’t mind my hair… but it obviously hates me 😉
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Lol! I think my hair just has a vague contempt for me..it rarely does as I ask…
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You mean it sometimes does? Wow… I wonder if it could have a word with mine 😉
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Brilliant. Love it!
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Thanks, Keith 🙂
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As another one with curly unmanageably stubborn hair, I have had moments like this. Sometimes the results turn out okay, but other times… brilliant poem Sue, hilariously funny.
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The profile pic was the result of one moment of overzealous snipping… that time it worked and I loved it. Other times… well, you know the score 🙂
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Oh I do…
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🙂
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Ha ha! I love it Sue!
Last time I tried to improve my hair myself I was rather young…
I was blessed with a small forehead, and hated it as a child.
So I hacked a small portion of my hair off,right at the roots,at the front of my head…boy dud I look good with the tufts as they grew back…
FYI… next time you soak, rub coconut oil in your hair and then wash it out. Lovely soft hair!!!!
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That reminds me of my favourite doll and my very first misadventure with the scissors 🙂
Silly, I know… Ani gets coconut oil every day in her dinner for her coat…and I never think to use it myself!
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You must use it!!! Hair… skin…cooking…. it’s so versatile!
At least a doll is a doll… a human who has to walk around… different story 😂 at least I had the ‘just a kid’ card to play!!!
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I do for cooking… never thought to use it for the rest! A real blind spot. Thanks, Ritu 🙂
No… not quite the same at all, though perhaps the earliest lesson in consequences that stuck 🙂
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😊
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Superb!
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Thank you, Wendy 🙂
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😀 Made me smile crazy lady! At least curls do hide a lot!
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Curls are wonderful things 🙂
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I’m dangerous with those hair scissors. I once cut my toddler daughter’s bangs, forgetting about the family “cowlick” that we all inherited. When the bangs dried, they were almost gone. I only did that once. And I never tried the mayo conditioner thing, is it hard to rinse out ???
Great poem, you kept your sense of humor through illness, Sue. ☺
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My sons hated me cuttingtheir hair.. and still flinch when I’m holding scissors 🙂
Oddly enough, the egg yolk seems to emulsify any oils and it rinses out very easily… you can shampoo and condition just with an egg yolk. Just don’t rinse in very hot water 😉
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Ha ha…scrambled egg ! ☺
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Yep 🙂
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Great ode to egg noggin Sue! The one and only time I used an egg rinse the damn thing scrambled and took an age to wash out! I cut my own hair now though, being long, it’s just a case of brushing it all forward, leaning over with the scissors, and snipping off the straggly bits!
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With mine it is like attacking Worzel Gummidge… and the results may resemble him too 😉
The trick is to go for luke warm water… I too learned the hard way 🙂
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Too funny. Hope you are feeling better.
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Fresh as a lettuce 😉
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Thanks for the smile. Have just limped home after having a puncture and finding the spare tyre was a bit soft so was feeling in the need for some humour 🙂
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Oh how horrible…I can never get the wheels off when the garage has tightened them either. X
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Brilliant Sue. And yes, curly hair girls can get away with a lot more. I don’t venture past cutting my bangs, and even that can be a disaster, lol (just ask my hairdresser when I go back for trim time.) 🙂
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I see a hairdresser once a decade or so. I have had the odd one who sucked breath through her teeth at me… one or two who have shaken their heads… I seldom go back for more though 🙂
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Lol, although that’s funny, it shouldn’t give anyone the right to suck their breath in for other’s choices. 🙂
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With some of the hacking, I couldn’t really blame them…call it professional pride 😉 Theirs…
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😉
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Sue, hope you’re feeling better. This was the funniest post! I don’t cut hair since I cut my sister’s hair when we were children. She had barely a hair left. Thanks for the coconut tip, Ritu.
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I think we’ve all tried the scissors, Michelle. It’s just one of those bad habits I find hard to break 😉
The coconut oil is working wonders, I have to say 🙂
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I’ll never be able to look a salad in the eye again! Nice one, Sue. 🙃🙂
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Thanks, Darren… it works though 😉
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