I’ve always wanted to say that… though I’m not sure who this Houston guy is.
Basically, it is the door. She has some weird ideas about when it should be open…and closed. Take today. There I am, nice and cosy on the sofa, trying to catch my morning beauty sleep… half past four again… and she wanders down in the pink fluffy thing and opens the back door. Icy air blasts into my nice warm dreams… “Want to go outside?” she says brightly… What now? In that? No thanks. “Come on girlie.” I groan and heave myself off the sofa, stretch a bit and totter outside barely awake…. Just to keep her quiet. Maybe then she’ll close the door and let me sleep.
A couple of hours later, when I actually am awake she takes me out. We wander down the lane… well, she does, I’m busy in the undergrowth checking stuff… then back home. Will she open the back door when I ask? No. “It’s cold,” she says. Really? I’d never have noticed… Grow some fur, woman! “You’ve just been out for a walk…” And? Think, woman. I need to tell the big Alsatian over the back and Tilly next door what’s going on! Can’t do that from in here! The Alsatian never gets to go for walks, he has that huge yard to patrol all the time. Real hard worker that one. I talk to him over the fence every day, and go see him when I
escape take myself for a walk. But Tilly and Mungo need to be tipped off about the pheasants and the rabbits before they go out. “No, Ani. It’s too cold.” Charming, what about my social life?
Then, when she’s finally put some heating on ‘cause her fingers are going blue, in spite of the pink fluffy thing on top of her clothes, and the sofa is all snuggly warm and inviting, and I’m just checking the doors before a snooze, “Want to go out, girlie?” Erm… no. Some people…
So, I snuggle down for a nap and have some wicked dreams chasing stuff… and she puts the coat on. Now she’s going out… and leaving me here of course. “Want to go out, girlie?” She holds the back door open and waits while I drag myself awake. Again. She’s really not getting this.
Soon as she comes back the phone rings. Now, correct me if I’m wrong here, but it is part of my job description to wake up, do the tail wagging, grinning business, then she’s supposed to let me out. Nope… answers the phone instead. So I scratch and charge round to get her attention… several times round the table at top speed, jumping at the door handle on each pass… Well, even she got the message then… so I wander outside and she’s still talking. You’d think she never talks to anyone… well, ok… it’s not often. Just me… she says that’s why she’s barking… Never heard her myself…So, me, I thought I’ll go talk to the birds in the garden.
She puts the phone down just as it gets interesting…”In you come, girlie, shutting the door…”
“But…look, pigeon… look…look….”
Anyway, I managed to distract her with the ball and the door stayed open. I sat in it so she couldn’t shut it and kept an eye out for that dratted pigeon. “Ani… it’s freezing…” No chance. I’m here to stay… not moving…
Sneak. She closed the door.
Ok , we went for another run… she knows her job. Managed to snaffle me and put the lead on first try too. I must be slipping… But we had another hour with the ball while she typed, then I thought I’d snuggle down for the night. Don’t tell the ball guy though… I’m usually asleep by about eight unless he’s here… then I can keep the ball in play for hours past my bedtime….
“Ani, bedtime… outside…”
Fall off sofa, drag self yawning to door… one foot out of door….She wants me to go out in that… it’s raining! Retreeeeat!
You know, there is a serious communication problem here, guys. I want to go out… she shuts the door. I want to stay in… she ‘suggests’ I go out… I try and sit half in and half out, just to make it easy for her… she shuts the door. And would she want to be dragged from a nice warm bed to go pee in the rain, I ask you?
Does anyone have the number of a good human behaviourist? I think she needs a bit of extra training…
Now I’m going to bury myself under the cushions and try and get some sleep before she has any more silly ideas…
Ani the Disgruntled