I’m not a happy bunny.
I admit it, I’m not good at this being ill business. I find it really hard to drop the reins and rest. It feels all wrong. Particularly when my mind is working okay…even if the body is sitting back and laughing at me.
I look, and feel, like a small, beached whale, with a belt of multi-coloured bruises and a variety of incisions. Which means I can’t even get dressed properly, or for long. Nothing fits and everything sits over the damage.
It bugs me that the grass needs cutting, that my car is sitting on the drive with a flat tyre that needs fixing, that the fence was blown down, that I have work to do. That my dog needs a run. That I can’t even sit at the computer for long without being too tired. That, let’s be honest, even the mind only thinks it is working okay and keeps getting caught up in sleep. I can’t even concentrate on a book.
Dragging the bins out was interesting though. I should have thought that through better.
It just goes to show how very odd so many of the things that make up our daily lives actually are. Who cares if the grass needs a haircut, really? I can’t drive the car anyway yet, especially as it doesn’t have power steering. Anyone who has met Ani will tell you she is quite capable of running her energy off between the garden and the front window without the slightest hesitation. And there is actually nothing wrong with living temporarily in a big fluffy dressing gown. There is only the dog to see and she rather likes it. Whenever I am wearing the dressing gown, she knows I’m not going out without her.
No one needs me to be anywhere, there are no life or death necessities awaiting my sole attention. So why am I worrying? Why not simply sit back and rest? Snuggle with Ani on the sofa in front of a film? My friends would probably say it is about time….
I have had so many lovely messages, all telling me to rest. Do I listen…? Stubborn, you see. I’ve never really had the luxury before of being able to sit back and relax when I’ve not been well, and I am finding it a real challenge.
It is all about habit and the expectations we put upon ourselves, I think. I have written a fair bit about the boxes we allow life to put us in, but of course, the ones we put ourselves in are the most securely fixed of all. We don’t even see them till something like this comes along and holds up a mirror to how we live our days, blindly sticking to habits and the rules we have laid out for ourselves, unable to bend them without feeling guilty.
Of course, it is an image of self that we are clinging to really, that definition of who we are which is a mask we present to both the world and to ourselves. It is a hard mask to let fall. There are few people with whom we are ever truly comfortable enough to be completely ourselves, warts and all, as the saying goes, and we ourselves are seldom one of them.
In the privacy of my home, with only the dog to see (and she sees me far more clearly than any mask I may wear), I still cling to my image of me as capable, still expect myself to be and do all the things I would normally achieve in a day. Standards of housekeeping imposed by a society that will not be coming through my door any time soon push me to think in terms of vacuum cleaners and dusters. Only I am here to notice the sudden appearance of weeds in the garden. Although I doggedly ignore these thoughts, they are still present and niggling and my failure to achieve bugs me, regardless of the knowledge that the most productive thing I can do right now is rest and recover.
I am forced to wonder how much is due to fear? The fear of noticing how fragile our self image is, how easily damaged, and how much we fill the days with meaningless things to cover the spaces that could be so rich in just being but often hold only emptiness? How rudderless we feel when our cherished normality is whipped like a rug from under our feet!
Silly, isn’t it, when you think about it? Especially when most of us would say we’d give our eye teeth for more time to relax and just be.
I think I need to take lessons from my dog and learn to chill.
Sue Vincent's Daily Echo 
And suddenly to your great surprise full recovery is there. Take it easy.
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Doing my best 🙂
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Good advice, take it easy.
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I’m trying 🙂
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Maybe you need to think about it as a holiday. A fluffy robed stay-cation where your only requirement is to chill. I bet you could be quite good at it if you put your mind to it. But I hope you feel much better very soon.
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I shall consider it a new adventure. But I think it requires chocolate 😉
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Now that’s the spirit! If I lived near by, I would bring you a bag of delicious bars. My latest favorite is a dark chocolate bar with a thin layer of dark caramel and a bit of coconut. Heaven!
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That does sound heavenly…
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Wishes for overachievement in the rest, relaxing and healing race 🙂 sent to you!
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*chuckles* I shall do my utmost to overachieve 🙂
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Hi Sue, I think maybe the universe is telling you it’s time for you to accept help from others. I know you give your time generously to your sons and probably many others. Perhaps it’s time to receive? I am sure there is a wonderful soul out there eager to cut the grass and fix your tire 🙂
Blessings and love, Alethea
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*chuckles* No such luck, I’m afraid, Alethea 🙂
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I really “get” what you’re saying and how hard it is to stop and mend. It seems as if you look around and there is a chorus singing about things to be done. I hope you will find a way to close your eyes to the tasks until you are better or get someone in to do them for you. Hope the Drs. fixed the problem and that you will be well VERY soon. Meantime let Ani teach you to rest.
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I am doing my best to be willfully blind to the chores and letting Ani cuddle me a lot 🙂 As to the doctors.. so do I. x
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I am sure Ani is an expert cuddler and healer– enjoy! Be well soon! Love and light! xx
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Thank you Ellen, I shall cuddle Ani and sleep 🙂 xx
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Even in pink robe and slippers your a vision of loveliness. I know LOL. The bins tisk tisk dear lady, you’ll pull you stiches out. Im very soory ofcourse that your in this state and wish dearly I could come sit by your side and give you the care and shelter you gave me once. But know this, life has said slow down and you bloddy well listen to it, Okay? You are a beautiful,strong,powerful young lady and always will be, but for now you need to rest.
All my love and healing light.
Sincerely
Benjamin
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Yes dear 😉
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Okay then. :-*
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It’s so hard to sit back and take it easy, especially when forced. But cuddling with Ani in your dressing gown seems like a lovely idea, and it may speed you along back to health. In the meantime wander the hills and valleys in your imagination. Best wishes for a very speedy recovery.
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Thank you Sarah. It seems every time I cuddle with Ani I fall asleep. No bad thing, I know.
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We need to put up with these repairs to our ageing vessels, thank goodness you have lots to keep you busy when you’re back on your feet 🙂
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*chuckles* More than enough to keep me busy! 🙂
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Sue … do take a cue from Ani. Your friends love you just as you are and wish you well. Take it easy my friend … and get well soon.
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Thank you xxx
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So many lessons we can learn from our four-legged friends…
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Oh yes. And this one more than most 🙂
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