I can feel the the wetness forming in the corners of my eyes. My lids scream for me to blink, but all I can do is stare. I welcome the warmth of the rising sun on my face. The rest of my body is covered in goose skin from the contrast of the cool, dawn air. I wonder to myself what he’s thinking. Is he wondering what my decision is? Is he as confused as me? 15 years of co-loving, co-parenting, co-everything. And it could all end right now with this perfect sunrise. How poetic, the night ends and the new day begins. I wish my decision were as easy as the suns decision to rise.
It was his suggestion. “Let’s get away, just the two of us. On a camping trip.” He thought that we could reconnect, “fall back in love.” Three days of hiking then falling asleep to his hands repaying his inflicted pain by massaging away the days knots. Does he really think three back massages can make up for the multiple bruises, both on my skin and my heart? The endless lies to our children and families, the countless tubes of concealer I keep stashed. He’s always his best self after being his worst.
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