There are books one refers back to again and again through life, stories that get under the skin in some way or another, touch a nerve, move the heart or feed the soul. It is perhaps no coincidence that many of these that are fictional come as trilogies or series… think Lord of the Rings and Narnia, for example. The deeper the road inwards, the more there is to explore and discover with the writer.
One of the trilogies that remain with me is that series of four books (which says it all really) by Douglas Adams. I speak, of course, of that great work of science, fiction and Vogonity called the “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”.
Not, though indeed I agree with the principle, because it has the words “don’t panic” in large, friendly letters on the cover, but because it opened my eyes to several aspects of humanity I had never considered. Plus, of course, it made me laugh. Always a winner.
The simple beauty of the lunatic science in these books would doubtless have gone straight over my head had I not been introduced to them by a professor of physics. He delighted in explaining to me why it was, theoretically at least, possible to use the example of Brownian motion in a nice cup of hot tea and extrapolate the universe from, say, a small piece of fairy cake.
Favourite among these concepts was the SEP field. The Somebody Else’s Problem field is described by the character Ford Prefect as:
“An SEP is something we can’t see, or don’t see, or our brain doesn’t let us see, because we think that it’s somebody else’s problem…. The brain just edits it out, it’s like a blind spot. If you look at it directly you won’t see it unless you know precisely what it is. Your only hope is to catch it by surprise out of the corner of your eye……This is because it relies on people’s natural predisposition not to see anything they don’t want to, weren’t expecting, or can’t explain”.
I saw this in action yesterday. The blog stats hit some significant numbers, and, after posting a gentle piece in the morning before noticing the figures, I thought, all of a sudden, that I should do something with them. Make them count… highlight, perhaps, an issue close to my heart and too close to home for too many people. So I posted ‘Freedom and Fear’ .
Meanwhile, synchronistically, my dear friend Alienora Taylor was also posting on her blog about a similar subject but from a different perspective.
As usual the links were posted to our respective Facebook pages where we immediately saw the coincidence and being of a similar mindset decided it was no such thing. If we had both chosen to address this topic independently and on the same day, there was a reason for it somewhere. So given the seriousness of the subject we put out a joint post. The silence was deafening.
I had been given the usual magnificent response by the blogging community, the article had been read, ‘liked’ and responded to. But there were few comments. I could understand that, it is a difficult subject to respond to. What neither Alienora nor I could come to grips with however was the silence on Facebook, where our posts are generally the subject of a fair amount of discussion. There were one or two shares and likes, a couple of wonderfully supportive comments. Yet people were evidently looking and reading. So what was the problem?
I think we had inadvertently generated an SEP field between us. And I could understand this.
You see, we had both addressed a sensitive issue. Abuse. And the fallout from abuse. Both were relatively gentle articles and a great deal more could have been said in graphic detail. Yet many simply could not, it seemed, find a way in which to acknowledge or respond.
Sadly, this is the very reason abusive behaviours continue, because we do not know how. It is not that people do not care, simply that we do not know in what manner we can address these issues. We are afraid to press the wrong button, say the wrong thing, afraid sometimes to ‘get involved’. Yet abuse and related behaviours are all too common.
Abuse takes many guises, seen and unseen, sexual, physical, psychological and emotional. The scars are deep seated and heal but slowly, sometimes not at all. Chances are that among your friends and acquaintances someone is suffering or has been the victim of abuse. It can be so insidious it can go unnoticed, unrecognised for what it is at the time by both abuser and victim. It need not even be deliberate, but can be caused by the abuser’s own emotional fragility and damage.
In the UK alone, according to Women’s Aid, 1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime – many of these on a number of occasions. One incident of domestic violence is reported to the police every minute. On average, 2 women a week are killed by a current or former male partner. These figures do not include those for emotional or sexual abuse. And this is ‘just’ domestic abuse.
Contrary to what is often believed, it is not just women and children who suffer. Men too can be victims of abuse and even if they manage to break through their own fear it is, in our culture, so bloody difficult for a man to speak out and admit it.
And we shy away from looking too close because we don’t know what to do. Nor do those trapped in these situations, their confidence sapped, freedoms controlled, children and pets used as tools of blackmail…
Sometimes it is simply the awareness that matters most and the willingness to look at what is a very difficult subject. To have eyes and heart open to the fact that there, but by the grace of the Divine, could go any one of us. We are all linked by a common humanity. It isn’t somebody else’s problem.
Also posted on Alienora Taylor’s blog as we both feel rather strongly about the subject.
Sue Vincent's Daily Echo 
Great post 🙂 I think the prevalence of abuse is partly why it’s so difficult to bring up. For every person who is willing to talk about their own abuse or abuse in general, there are many more who are currently in an abusive situation, or who are escaping from one. Abusers and bullies are not some abstract concept, they are your neighbors, your relatives, your friends, and this makes it extremely difficult as a subject to bring up.
The other issue is that the targets of abuse are often so far in denial due to complex emotions regarding their abuser that any intervention can be seen as intrusive and unwanted, even though you might be trying to save someone from being hurt.
It’s a sticky situation alright 😦 But it’s important to talk about it and bring it to the fore!
Thanks for sharing 🙂
Rohan.
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Thank you, Rohan. And you are quite right about the denial, which applies equally to both abused and abuser in many cases. It is a minefield of emotions for anyone both involved or as an onlooker. Anyone needing further advise on what constitutes abuse, how to deal with it or how to help those going through it can look up the various national organisations who offer comprehensive help and advice… and many have a facility to cover your online tracks too. Which speaks volumes, doesn’t it?
Sue.
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Interestingly, the PM feed went a bit mad for a while… Mostly women thanking me, a few men agreeing, and one, rather surprising one suggesting that such posts are inappropriate for “social networks”. Obviously we need our social media to be frothy, trivial, and (falsely) positive; a mirror to the public persona that many feel is necessary to operate in our rather cold, dispassionate society…
The saddest one came from a very long term male friend, who we had assisted remove himself from a very (physically) abusive relationship – yep, you’ve guessed it, despite the outward facade of happy new long term relationship, the post allowed him to accept, and reveal, that he was, in fact, back in that place… thankfully, though no less destructive, of the mental variety.
So, not all a waste of words, dear one… 🙂
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The pm boxes did much the same my end, though no negative ones. Which is possibly just as well.. and there have been some wonderfully supportive and observant comments.
And I’m glad it opened a chink in the doorway. Such a long journey to get oneself out of that dark spiral.x
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I think the response that you got really confirms that writing about abuse is invaluable and desperately needed. Silence speaks volumes. We still have very strong taboos around abuse. And there is a complex, ugly layering of shame: Shame on the part of those directly involved in abusive situations (both victims and perpetrators), and shame on the part of the rest of us for not knowing what to do or how to help. The only way to begin to heal and dissolve shame is by making it visible and being willing to talk about it and own it. Thank you for creating a space to do that.
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The response here has been phenomenal and that I find heartwarming. There should be no shame for the victims.. and none for those who simply do not know how to help. Many perpetrators too are themselves victims of earlier abusive behaviours and simply know no other way to be. This does not excuse, but it does explain in many cases.
Shame is so deeply woven through this issue of abuse and in fact it is probably the most unjustifiable and unproductive emotion.
I am grateful to be able to open even the smallest crack in the brick wall that confronts so many dealing with this issue.
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Yes, I think you’re absolutely right: it is unjustifiable and unproductive. And unfortunately it runs very deep.
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Yes, sadly it does
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It is a difficult subject because people do not know how to respond. When I was a reporter in Utica, I wrote a few stories about child abuse. One ended in death. Another, a son finally talked about his father abusing him as a child. He decided to speak up – at a trial – to stop his father from abusing another child. His Dad went to jail, still denying what he had done.
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I accompanied a young family through the court process a few years ago. The damage is still there, though the guy went to prison and eventually died there.Inadequate support has left them fragile and scarred in many ways. I is hard to know how, I agree.
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I actually cried when Douglas Adams died. He is a much missed author who had a talent for making people laugh no matter the circumstance.
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Funnily enough I am just talking about Adams this morning. Utterly brilliant.
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This may remind you too of his work 🙂
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