My son is Up To Something. No, not another jump! You’ll have gathered I’m dying to write about it, but until he lets me, I remain silent. Sort of. Suffice it to say that the whole affair carries more than an element of risk. Should I be worried? Hell yes. About both him and his motorbike-riding younger brother. Do I worry? That’s a bit of a double-edged question to ask a mother who sent one son to play with wolves while the other hand-fed an adult tiger taller than he and who happily watched the pair of them jump off a tower crane… treats that she had arranged for them. I’ve watched them parachute from fifteen thousand feet, do aerobatics and the Lord knows what else and have fished them out of ditches, plastered antiseptic on skinned backs and know the local accident and emergency room intimately.
Of course I worry. But not as much as you might think.
We want a lot of things for our children. Indeed, we want the same for anyone we love. Including ourselves! We could reel off a long list in detail, but when you get right down to the nitty gritty, what we really want for them is happiness and fulfilment. If that is achieved, almost everything else falls into place. A person who is both happy and fulfilled is unlikely to get into the wrong kind of scene. They are more likely to be caring, responsible individuals, both as cause and effect. So yes, that’s what I would like for my sons.
The trouble is, that when you care about someone, one of the things you want to do is care for them. Especially with children, there is a desire… a need… to keep them safe and protected. It is a natural human instinct. So we set boundaries, a safety net of limits beyond which they cannot pass. Like putting up a fireguard when they are small. Sometimes we give a straight ‘no’. Other boundaries are those we ourselves impose, often unconsciously, as we raise our children or care for someone. We have, of course, their best interests and safety at heart and operate from the best possible motives. You do your best…even though they manage to build a long enough stick with the wooden Meccano to get through the fireguard and set the rug alight… At least they have learned about fire and something about boundaries!
We see our concern mirrored in the Health and Safety legislations, designed to protect in the workplace, schools, hospitals etc. Such rules serve a clear purpose and, of course, have to be enforced. Yet we all know that there is a point beyond which those rules become counter-productive and constrictive.
Over the past few years, since Nick was attacked, we have seen those Health and Safety rules up close and very personal. What is in place to protect becomes a barrier to attempting the new. Consider the worst that could happen … Nick was berated, for example, when he told staff about the day he came home to visit from hospital one day. His brother and friend, both over six foot and one built like a tank, had helped Nick to go upstairs to his brother’s room to just do what lads do together. To taste an hour’s freedom and normality away from the hospital. It is just as well that Nick didn’t bow down and accept the constraints … and even more so that ‘they’ didn’t see some of the things we have done and the risks that have been taken to help Nick regain his independence! What we did on May Day, for example, really was madness…but what he achieved? Glorious!
With every risk we have taken, Nick has stretched himself… and attained something new. Something where the protective boundaries dictated by caution and even, perhaps, by common sense, would have been detrimental. And yet, at the same time, something that would not have been possible without a boundary… because you need something to push against. A boundary can be a barrier… or a challenge.
“It is like using all your strength on a door in an attempt to open it, while someone is throwing all their weight behind it to prevent it being opened,” said my son, speaking of health and safety. My job is to step away from the door and let him open it… and see what is on the other side for himself. After all, it is fear that would keep the door closed, even though that fear is rooted in love and care, but is our fear for them, or do we fear how it would make us feel if something went wrong?
Will I worry when Nick embarks upon his new adventure? Oh yes. So will he. To counter that he is busy putting an awful lot of thought into the detail that covers every foreseeable eventuality. Will I try and hold him back? No… I’m already suggesting how he can push his boundaries some more. Because my wish for him hasn’t changed… I want to see him happy and fulfilled and that won’t happen if he lives a life wrapped in cotton wool.
While we stay within our own boundaries we are denying ourselves the possibility to test and stretch ourselves, to expand into our own being. We ourselves are like children in classic tale… we cannot know what we will find on the other side of that door of possibility… dragons, monsters or a magical landscape and a pot of gold. Either way, what lies beyond is an adventure.
Images from the family album
Sue Vincent's Daily Echo 
This is wonderful. There is too much protection and sterility in the world today, and I think that it is quite detrimental to development.
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Yes, so do I, Noah. There is a difference between being reasonably careful and hemming oneself in.
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This is, I believe, Robert Heinlein’s rule: whatever the hardest thing to do it, that is the right thing.
I may have the original author wrong, but the sentiment is right.
Our kids have to stand on their own feet as soon as possible – no one can guarantee we’ll always be there.
As long as they are sensible about preparations, it would be far worse to put barriers up. I’d only worry if they seemed VERY foolhardy – and even then I’d try to understand it. But it doesn’t sound like your sons are doing anything foolish (except for jumping out of airplanes – not my thing!).
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I don’t think it always has to be hard, but that rule usually has merit.
As to my sons… they have done some pretty strange things in their time and both of them take risks… but the choices have to be theirs.
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I agree with Noah. Sometimes I think my daughter is overprotective and sometimes not protective enough. I worry that the kids aren’t vaccinated, but I see them fall down, get up and brush themslveves off and go on their way without a so much as a squeak.
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Teaching where their wings are and letting them fly free is perhaps our hardest and more important task as they grow.
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We were heading into the opera in Seattle. The older lady in front of us, beautifully dressed in jewels and fur coat, turned to her son next to her and asked if he needed to use the bathroom. I realized that you just never stop being the mom.
Kudos to you for knowing when Mom needs to be cheerleader instead of nanny.
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No, you don’t stop being a mother. You just bite back the words, sit on your hands and let them go.
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This is an area I think about quite a lot. I have often fought against my mother who I often feel would prefer me to spend the rest of my life in a chair but at the same time, doesn’t want the restrictions on her freedom which come from that. Don’t do anything. Don’t take risks but don’t be a burden. That said, she does help out as it is…especially with the kids.
My kids haven’t been well lately and I’ve found the shoe on the other foot and that urge to protect. Be mother hen and keep your chicks parked in the nest when they’re not well is strong. Yet, cottonwool kills. Last weekend, after ascertaining that the vomiting and seeing stars had passed, my son went on a 14km hike with scouts. He did well and there were no problems and next weekend goes away for a 3 day hike. through the Blue Mountains, west of Sydney. He is going to be spent but it will be an amazing experience and my husband and I are looking forward to a quiet weekend with our daughter who will be going to camp the following weekend.
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Nick has been taking risks right from the start, His determination is boundless and sometimes… apparently… foolhardy. I am more likely to aid and abet than hold him back.
Yes, you have to allow them to go adventuring and see the world without the cottonwool sometimes. It all helps them later when there is no safety net except their own inner resources.
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As it turned out, Sue. I was let off the hook and his scout leader thought he wasn’t ready for next weekend’s massive hike. On one day alone they are walking 20km so it’s a huge effort.
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Yes, that is a long walk!
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Even the dogs would be begging to go home!
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Er… not Ani… 😉 x
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Reblogged this on oshriradhekrishnabole.
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Hear hear, Sue! Brilliant post! xxx
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Thank you xxx
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Reblogged this on Anita & Jaye Dawes.
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Excellent post. I worry that children are growing up today unable to assess risks becasue they are never allowed to take them.
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That is potentially a big problem. They will have to take the risks eventually.. but how well equipped will they be?
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Perfectly out Sue thank you … push against the boundaries while knowing the risks. Many times my heart is in my mouth as my adult sons travel long distances, whether by car or plane … all I can do is wish them well and surround them with light as they go a’venturing …
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I wonder sometimes if, as they get older, the boot will be on the othr foot and they will worry about us… as when my younger son, the biker, put his foot down with an absolute ‘No!’ when I mentioned I’d like a motorbike… 🙂
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That figures!
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You make this (life) sound exhilarating, scary, exhilarating….. incredible…..and must do!!!!
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I think it is supposed to be that way 🙂
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You are right!
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Too much worrying about risk spoils all the fun and spontaneity that young people have such a lot of, How boring life would be if we had to ‘play safe’ all the time. 🙂
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Wouldn’t it just, though today I have a feeling boring would be good…
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What a lovely, motherly post! You want to protect them but you gotta let them go. It’s so hard. My son is an adrenaline junkie – a paratrooper, mortar man, advanced infantry trainer. His idea of fun to to drive a jeep being attached to a helicopter and jumping off during lift off. I think he and Nick have a lot in common. The US is currently populated by helicopter parents who hover over their children, never letting them out of their sight or letting them try things on their own.
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It does look as if they would recognise something in each other 🙂
It is the same here too, and health and safety goes overboard…
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He’s a marvel, and so are you! Hooray for breaking the rules! Sometimes I wonder who they are actually there to protect. We are all individuals, the rules dont take that into account. I’m so happy for you, and intrigued re the new adventure. Xxx
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Oh wait and see what he’s up to now, Ali 🙂
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Hope you dont keep us waiting too long Sue! Can’t stand it! 😀
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Try being me 🙂 I KNOW and I SO want to share 🙂
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Tell him to enjoy his swim across the English Channel… 🙂 Kidding…
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Don’t you dare suggest that one :)!
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Who, ME? 😉
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😀
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We should never stop pushing the boundaries and it’s great to have people helping you along (or at least not stopping you).
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I agree. It makes all the difference between living and existing sometimes.
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Spirit must be allowed to explore, express itself to stretch and grow. What is life, if not a great adventure? Having two boys myself, I’ve had to learn to step back and allow the process to unfold, no matter how much I’d rather they didn’t!
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And that’s it in a nutshell 🙂
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You are a good mother. You encourage your fledglings to fly. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
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They can’t learn if they don’t fly.
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