Ready to roll

Posted on May 28, 2015 by Sue Vincent

My new chair arrived and the writerly posterior is now ensconced in unaccustomed and softly cushioned luxury… and loving it. However, I do have a small complaint. Not about the chair itself…oh no, that’s heaven! But…

Call me old fashioned, or possibly delusional, but when I buy furniture, unless it specifies ‘self-assembly’ or bears the dread words ‘flat packed’, I have visions of it being delivered in one piece. I can go with ‘minimal assembly required’. But at what point did ‘easy to install’ equate, in the English language, to either ‘needs to be built from scratch’ or ‘takes two strong men and a bottle of valium to assemble’?

I have no objection to a little doing-it-myself when the occasion arises. I’m not saying I’m much good at it, but things stay up…mostly…when I put them up. It’s just not always a good idea to look too closely at how… Superglue and duct tape have their uses.

The box arrived looking big enough to contain a small office, complete with canteen and restroom. A good sign. All I would have to do would be dispose of the packaging.

Well, that is going to be a job and a half in itself, given that most of the contents of the space within the cardboard box was packaging. There were even instructions.

Unfortunately, I don’t read Chinese.

I laid the contents out on the floor, checking to see if there were the requisite number of bolts and berating myself for not owning an electric screwdriver. I really need to replace the power tools. So far I have deemed it safer not to do so. I might be tempted to use them.

Ani, wise from past experience, took one look at the proceedings and retreated into the handy cardboard box, nesting in the polystyrene packaging. With the static from her fur, I could see that was going to be fun when she finally ventured out.

Maybe this was going to be easier than I thought. The wheels went in fine… the gas lift assembly? No problem. The seat… deeply padded and inviting… was next. No more than half a dozen bolts. That wouldn’t go. No matter how much I tried.

The hex key supplied had, by this time, been un-hexed and was a nice, shiny round thing. A trip to the shed and a determined rummage and I returned with a number of possible alternatives. None of them the right size, of course… but workable.

I turned the seat base round. That worked. Apparently there had been a sticker with a little arrow saying ’this way’. It was, by this point, attached to the nose peeping out of the box.

The nose, attached to the black, hairy beast, ventured out to offer sympathy and support. It is not easy DIYing with a muzzle in your face intent on illicit cheek-licking, but being on the floor by this time, she took me as being in her domain… and that means getting up close and personal.

The arms came next; curvy, dull silver with thick, soft armrests… and bolt holes just a millimetre out from where they needed to be. I wrestled them into place; the lure of comfort drove me. All it needed for perfection was the thickly upholstered backrest with the lumbar support.

It got…interesting about here and Ani bolted back to her box. You have to get this thing, wedged tightly between the armrests, into the precise position for the holes. It is, of course, spinning on its nice, mobile wheels and virtually impossible to hold. I couldn’t get it the last little bit. I tried sitting on it. Not, you understand, as if it was a chair… more like trying to ride a bucking bronco. I’d be useless in a rodeo. I fell off.

Several abortive attempts later, I dismantled the gas lift, took off the seat, crammed it between me and the door and knelt on the bugger. That did it. I emerged triumphant to fix the screw covers, move the comfortless brown chair and install the new, black upholstery in front of the desk.

They were right… installing it was easy.

001

Ani, by this time, had de-cushioned the sofa and built a castle round the box. The living room was in chaos and I needed either a stiff drink or a hot bath or both. I got neither… But tonight I am enthroned in comfort in front of the screen.

Now if I could only fix that and stop that rolling…

Unknown's avatar

About Sue Vincent

Sue Vincent was a Yorkshire born writer, esoteric teacher and a Director of The Silent Eye. She was immersed in the Mysteries all her life. Sue maintained a popular blog and is co-author of The Mystical Hexagram with Dr G.M.Vasey. Sue lived in Buckinghamshire, having been stranded there due to an accident with a blindfold, a pin and a map. She had a lasting love-affair with the landscape of Albion, the hidden country of the heart. Sue  passed into spirit at the end of March 2021.
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52 Responses to Ready to roll

  1. Marilyn Armstrong's avatar Marilyn Armstrong says:
    May 28, 2015 at 03:30

    I have seen “simple assembly” bring strong, technically talented men to tears while women curse. This is one of the few things I buy from local places and have delivered. Because I know I will be ready for a rubber room otherwise. I’m glad you survived and have a chair.

    And anyway, it takes a village. Or at least someone to hold it still.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Sue Vincent's avatar Sue Vincent says:
      May 28, 2015 at 06:40

      “You’re such a man!” said my son yesterday as I gave up on the assembly instructions for his latest rollator… written in German. I have an uneasy relationship with instructions at the best of times… and when they need muscle and dexterity too….

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  2. lauramacky's avatar lauramacky says:
    May 28, 2015 at 03:34

    I hate it when that happens! I am the worst assembler. Hope you stop rolling soon. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. TamrahJo's avatar TamrahJo says:
    May 28, 2015 at 04:49

    Here, “Truth in Advertising” laws haven’t been enforced for decades – LOL – – I’d love to go back to the well understood label for things “Some or All Assembly Required” – LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. barbtaub's avatar barbtaub says:
    May 28, 2015 at 06:28

    For religious reasons (devout follower of Our Lady Of Cheap) I usually find myself with those flatpacked bundles of apparently random collections of screws and odd-shaped pieces, often accompanied by line drawings that make hieroglyphs seem easily comprehensible. And that’s when I call on my secret weapon. Although her older siblings suggest explanations like ‘switched at birth’, she was born with an engineer’s brain. Booklets of assembly instructions written by beings whose native language did not arise on this planet are as clear to her as freeway road signs. (She’s also REALLY good at maps.) In the time I would spend wondering what the difference is between Screw D and Screw BB and deciding they could just screw themselves, she’ll have the whole thing assembled.

    So yay you for getting that mess assembled into your beautiful new chair. But my sympathies are all with Ani.

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. alienorajt's avatar alienorajt says:
    May 28, 2015 at 07:16

    Bloody brilliant, Sue – utterly hilarious and oh-so-reminiscent of moments in my own checkered past! I think such blandly-boxed contrivances are a little-known tenth circle of Dante’s Inferno myself – and am never sure whether ’tis better to erect the buggers or exorcise ’em! (or both!) xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. oshrivastava's avatar oshrivastava says:
    May 28, 2015 at 07:19

    Reblogged this on oshriradhekrishnabole and commented:
    The world is a theater stage all of us, God incarnate on this earth to “Lila” fully edit the character has come,,,

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  7. Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.'s avatar Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life. says:
    May 28, 2015 at 08:47

    Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    Sue Vincent with a delightful post on the joys and mysteries of self-assembly and unlike her usual focus on this matter, this time it refers to her new office chair… terrific so pop in.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  8. Judith Barrow's avatar judithbarrow1 says:
    May 28, 2015 at 08:51

    Reblogged this on Barrow Blogs and commented:
    Another hilarious post from Sue Vincent

    Like

    Reply
  9. Judith Barrow's avatar judithbarrow1 says:
    May 28, 2015 at 08:54

    Hilarious Sue. We once had a flat pack sun bed with the instructions ‘Warning- could pinch in assembly’ Young son at the time was most concerned when he asked what it read – and then refused to go to school.

    Like

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  10. Jaye Marie & Anita Dawes's avatar jenanita01 says:
    May 28, 2015 at 09:00

    We have definitely been there, nothing fits or goes where it should, sometimes the badly written instructions seem to be for something else entirely, but what can you do?
    We have a secret weapon though, when all else fails (which is most of the time) we have a wonderful grand daughter who has magical fingers and far more patience than either of us!

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. Paul F. Lenzi's avatar Paul F. Lenzi says:
    May 28, 2015 at 11:35

    oh, boy, can I relate

    Like

    Reply
  12. Judy E Martin's avatar edwinasepisodes says:
    May 28, 2015 at 12:17

    Ha Ha HA! That was hilarious (only because I have known the frustration of trying to assemble something with a picture, and a brain that does not understand DIY)! I admire your tenacity and hope that you are now enjoying the comfort you worked so bloody hard for! Oh and have one of those ciders, you deserve it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  13. ladyfi's avatar ladyfi says:
    May 28, 2015 at 14:34

    Ha ha – it sure takes several geniuses to build things these days… I don’t think there is anything that is easy assembly…

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  14. Hugh W. Roberts's avatar Hugh's Views and News says:
    May 28, 2015 at 16:09

    We have a man in Brighton and Hove called Flat Pack Dan. I’m sure he would have come in useful Sue, but well done for getting it assembled.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  15. Let's CUT the Crap!'s avatar Let's CUT the Crap! says:
    May 28, 2015 at 16:49

    Bravo. Good for YOU! ❤ 😀
    I used to put things together out of necessity but have avoided for a long time now.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  16. Vashti Q's avatar Vashti Quiroz-Vega says:
    May 28, 2015 at 19:15

    Hi Sue! Hilarious post! Sometimes they forget to mention that when they say ‘simple assembly’ they actually mean for engineers––simple for engineers to assemble. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  17. noelleg44's avatar noelleg44 says:
    May 29, 2015 at 01:26

    Some assembly required – the words that breed fear in the minds of all non-engineers! Clearly Ani had the most fun!

    Like

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  18. Pingback: Free-For-All Friday #12 | Edwina's Episodes

  19. amommasview's avatar amommasview says:
    May 29, 2015 at 06:43

    Oh that’s so annoying!

    Like

    Reply
  20. Suzanne Joshi's avatar Suzanne Joshi says:
    May 30, 2015 at 07:26

    Congratulations. I’m not sure I could have done it. 🙂

    Like

    Reply
  21. D.G.Kaye's avatar D.G.Kaye says:
    June 2, 2015 at 04:04

    Lol Sue, hilarious! I hear you on that too. You brought back memories of a similar episode with my new chair last year. I was hoping to see the Styrofoam all over the dog, lol. 🙂

    Like

    Reply

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