The creaking wakes me.
Four a.m., and again I am poised,
Ready to rise from the sofa bed,
Conscious of the steel strut against my spine.
Above my head, in the room once mine,
The bed that was mine once upon a time
Grinds against the wall.
He is wakeful again.
Another bad dream?
There are many.
There are tears.
There is fear and ‘what if’s?’
Every day.
Even the wonderful dreams hold pain,
The pain of loss and memory
The pain of what was and what should have been.
Reality is his nightmare.
“It is shit being me,”
I can dream too.
I can watch the flaying of a loved one,
A mangled body, broken in hate,
Love disembowelled by madness.
I stifle my screams in the pillow
Or sob in the bathroom, quietly.
Even now.
I can see the scars on his chest
The tubes went in there, and there, and there..
No escape from heartache and memory,
Even in hope.
Body aches,
Mind is tired,
Bones hurt,
Muscles beg for peace,
Wedded to exhaustion.
The last shreds of youth
Leached away
Worry is my bedfellow.
Yet, how dare I complain?
How dare I feel tired?
He should be dead,
Fighting each day,
Hunting life with passion,
Pursuing the impossible,
Grasping its tail
With paralysed fingers.
I the squire, he the knight,
The dragon of disability
And the worm of despair,
The quest, the grail of normality.
Our shield is laughter
And gentle lunacy.
Our armour a refusal
To accept pain as answer.
My sin is hope,
My sin despair
Poised on the knife edge
Razor sharp, each step cutting.
My burden, guilt.
Failure to protect
To prevent the unpreventable
Failure to heal the unhealable
Illogical, ridiculous.
Yet human.
Because I am his Mum.
And because I care.
This week is Carer’s week in the UK.
The poem above, and the job description below, I wrote a couple of years ago. I am one of the lucky carers. My son has a budget for care and I am paid these days… not a lot, and the System that required me to prove 35 hours a week for Carer’s Allowance as detailed below will only permit him 27 hours of care over seven days.
The 6.5 million carers in the UK who are unpaid or entitled only to the Carer’s Allowance are silently saving this country millions every year. The training and support is minimal and provided mainly through charities. Carers tend to learn quickly that they have to find help for themselves or do without. Often they do not know where to look or have the time to take what is offered.
Most carers find a huge fall in their own financial security, coupled with a fall in their own standard of living, and impact on their own health.
Carers can be you or I. They can be elderly, they can be children. Most do it for love.
You almost certainly know a carer, even if they themselves do not recognise their role. It can be a heartaching and lonely life. Please, take time to read this today, and if you are able, reach out to a carer you know. Pick up the phone, share a coffee… show them they are still people too.
The Carer’s Week website states:
There are over 6.5 million carers in the UK.
Every day 6,000 people take on new caring responsibilities.
Every year two million people take on new caring responsibilities.
Most carers (5.7 million) are aged over 18 and the peak age for caring is 50 to 59.
1.5 million carers are aged over the age of 60.
There are 175,000 young people under the age of 18 who provide care, 13,000 of these provide care for 50 hours or more per week.
One in eight workers in the UK combine work with caring responsibilities for a disabled, ill or frail relative or friend.
Job Description: Personal Carer
Minimum Hours per week: 35 (be aware that you must pay your own expenses)
On Call: Permanent 24/7
Emergency callout: whenever required 24/7
Holiday entitlement: 0
Days off: 0
Pension:0
Age limits: None
Health requirements: None… just the ability to do the job anyway, regardless
Training: None
Remuneration:
£59.75 per week ( or £1.70 per contractual hour)
Overtime not payable
(Any pay at all forfeited if you are under 16, in full time education or earning more than £100 per week elsewhere. Also dependant on your caree being officially classed as sufficiently severely disabled. Up to £59.75 per week may be deducted from any other benefits you are surviving on)
Rewards:
The knowledge that you are providing essential care for a friend or relative that would otherwise not be provided at the same level
That you, personally, are helping to save the UK over £119 billion a year,
The knowledge that you, at least, do care.
Main duties including,(but not exclusive):
Cooking, shopping, cleaning and general household duties
Intimate, personal care and grooming of third party,
Toileting and bathing, and dealing with accidents
Administering medications
Heavy lifting
Toilet cleaning
General housework
Laundry &ironing
Window cleaning
Household repairs and maintenance
Dealing with refuse
Gardening
Personal assistant
Secretarial duties
Advocacy
Researcher
Diary keeping
Taxi driver
Wheelchair handler
Chaperone
Bodyguard
Hands on physiotherapy
Counselling
Personal Training
Occupational therapy
Devil’s Advocate where required
Listener & comforter
Essential Personal Requirements:
Thick skin
Patience (required for dealing with both caree occasionally and the ‘system’ on a daily basis)
Ability to work under pressure
Not squeamish
Must be prepared to drop everything at a moments notice
Must be prepared to sit on phone for as many hours as required
Must be prepared not to have a personal life
Must not mind being taken for granted by the system who use emotional blackmail to ensure you do your ‘duty’
Must not mind becoming a second class citizen
Must be able to accept loss of lifestyle, dreams and plans for the future
Must be able to accept financial implications and probable poverty
Must be prepared for inevitable impact on health through physical and mental stress
Recommended reading list:
Humour-
Carers Rights (Equal Opportunities)Bill
http://www.parliament.uk/documents/commons/lib/research/rp2004/rp04-013.pdf
http://www.nhs.uk/CarersDirect/guide/rights/Pages/carers-rights.aspx
Financial :
http://www.carersuk.org/newsroom/item/2121-unpaid-carers-save-£119-billion
Health:
http://www.carersuk.org/newsroom/item/2393-counting-the-cost-of-caring-cash-strapped-carers-‘sick-with-worry’-about-finances
this is an amazing piece of writing and when i had finished i found i had tears rolling down my face. thank you for what you do, i know that it is very hard on the caregiver as well. know that it is for a reason.
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I’m lucky, Beth. My son has continued his near miraculous journey to a point where he looks forward to firing me shortly 🙂 Others are not so lucky and are so badly overlooked.
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oh this is so wonderful, what a great turn of events, and know he could not have done this as easily without you there for him. i’ve been an carer, unofficially, for someone in my family and i know how hard it can be. cheers to both of you!
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Never been as happy to be fired in my life 🙂
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haunting
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And true
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brought tears for my husband…. so true and we have no such thing I know of here in the US!
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We might as well not have it here for all the notice that is taken at official levels, but at least it is a platform to raise awareness and give carers a voice. xx
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A totally beautiful post and so necessary. You have my admiration for the work you do.
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I’m just a Mum, Ellen.. and so many are just family, friend, spouse or parent… there are carers everywhere, unnoticed and often alone. At least this week raises the profile a little and gets them noticed x
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Little support here except through hospice for those who are caring for the dying. My husband and I were carers for my Mum when she was dying and my husband a carer for his great aunt. It is rewarding but exhausting work. We were wrecks after my Mum died and there were two of us! Luckily our jobs let us use sick time but it was hard to do it all.
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It is hugely rewarding, but as you say, exhausting and often heartbreaking too, Ellen. x
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Very important post. And to know that more and more people are left to take care of themselves. 😦
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Indeed. The safety net appears to be being pulled from under the feet of both who need care and those who offer it.
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Tsk. tsk. What you forget, dear one, is that it is for the love, not the money… and if we start paying carers we won’t be able to pay for the new Trident system…
What a truly f*$!ed up priority list we have… 😦 One day, someone might actually have the balls to get into No 10 and put right all the FUBAR priorities that came before… but I hold not the breath… (Mainly because the asthma won’t allow… but I don’t see any balled up individuals on the horizon as of anytime soon… 😦 )
Anyhoo… enjoy your week… 😉
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Nope.. about halfway down.. I did mention it… along with emotional blackmail, I believe 😉
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Ed Balls’ balls? Trident? Oh, no… now I see it… 😀
Hang on… it’s not Ed, is it… what’s ‘is name? The other Ed… Thingy’s brother… :p
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Might as well be Ed the Duck…
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An absolute eye opener.
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Thank you …I’m glad. There are too many carers out there on their own.
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