We all have different criteria and reasons for using any of the various social networks. For most of us, it is simply that… a place to meet friends, both old and new. I’ve just been through my inbox for one of those networks hitting delete. There are doubtless a lot of gentlemen on Google + and other social networks who are completely genuine. There will certainly be hopeful romantics amongst them who are simply hoping to connect with Miss Right.
Then there are the others.
Like the dozen whose requests to connect I just deleted. Often in the military/oil/engineering. Almost always attractive. Always their page has little on it about who they are. Always they are exclusively friends with middle aged women.
Tonight’s had to be the best yet. Not content with creating a fake persona, he chose the face of an internationally famous multi-millionaire as his own. Not just once, but several times. Granted, he does not, at any point, say it is him… but as he uses multiple photographs to show ‘himself’ at work, all alone in his mansion, on TV… One can only assume that the university this ‘gentleman’ is supposed to have attended has dispensed with the basic requirement for intelligence.
Having seen at close quarters the wrecks such people can make of the lives of vulnerable women, I am sharing the following, written a little while ago after seeing one Maltese woman lose her home, and access to her children because of the predatory abuse of trust perpetrated by these vicious pretenders.
And please note… it isn’t just men who prey on women. It is the other way round too, but I can only write from experience, both my own observations and that of the women who have contacted me in trouble or to warn me away from men whose names have popped up on my feeds.
***
The friend request popped up on Facebook and she clicked to see who it was. A stranger. distinguished, greying hair, pleasant enough face… lovely picture of what she takes to be his child. The child looks intelligent, pretty.. fragile. An adoring father, obviously. There seems, though to be something tragic about the picture…
A message comes through.. hmm… from this guy. She is curious. A polite introduction. Okay, that’s safe enough. She says hello… asks what prompted the friend request? He was just looking for an old friend with a similar name and, if she will forgive the impertinence, was struck by her beauty… he just wants to be her friend. No more.
Oh but it is a long time since anyone called her beautiful. She is incredulous… well, sort of… but flattered. It is nice to feel attractive. Life has gone rather flat these days… she’s lonely…her marriage is both bland and rocky, the children nearly grown.. middle age fast approaching…
“So, tell me about yourself…”
She doesn’t know what to say… tells him about her job… he listens, encouraging her to talk. No-one really listens to her these days either. He asks about her home, her job, her car… is interested in her children. He pays gentle compliments. Soon she feels she has found a friend.
Eventually he tells her about himself. He has a good job… steady, qualified. He is widowed with a young child.. brilliant, talented, but so desperately needing a mother. He pours out his worries and her heart goes out to him…
Time passes and he declares how drawn he was to her, how deeply he was attracted to her.. at first glance, knowing how warm and caring she would be. He is falling in love…
So, of course, she thinks with a flutter, is she… Life is exciting. She waits each day for his messages, checking often. He never says a lot on any one day… just enough.
Suddenly there is a crisis… things have gone so wrong and he needs help. He hates to ask.. has no-one else to turn to… could she help him?….
***
There is probably a word for them… the internet stalker, the scam artist, the vulture who attempts to prey upon the emotional fragilities of women (usually, but not by any means always) and whose sole aim appears to be to extort money from and cause heartache to their victims.
As social media is such a large part of what I do all my pages are set to public… nothing is hidden. So I get a lot of them. Luckily they are very transparent as a rule and you can tell at a glance that they are suspect. On the other hand, I am not one to make snap judgements about people, and I will always extend a hand in friendship, giving the benefit of the doubt unless proven otherwise. I will generally talk to anyone and see what happens. It can be difficult to tell the difference between a possible new friend and a scammer at first glance… but the new friend will actually share something with you and have what seems to be lacking with the scammers… a genuine sense of humour. Gut instinct may, of course, be wrong. With these scum, it seldom is.
Yes, scum. I seldom pass critical judgement but having seen some of the lives and marriages that have been wrecked by these bastards (and I am not apologising for that term either), I have a profound dislike of what they do and how.
For myself, personally, I find them vaguely amusing. After the first two or three they really are very transparent. It might be obvious straight away… you may need to have a brief conversation to be fairly sure. I would rather commit the injustice of blocking a stranger than get involved in this kind of scenario. Their modus operandi varies only in the detail. Their profile page is usually blank or populated only with a selection of women.. there is usually a child prominent. They share no friends with you.. or maybe one vague acquaintance. Their profile picture is usually attractive without being handsome. There seems little real interaction with people… a few likes, the odd reply to a comment. They have almost always been to university and are usually employed in a good job. Or so their profile says.
They use endearments. They will be polite, flattering, and on first contact will attempt to find out about your life and interests, your social standing (they may ask about your car, your job, where you take holidays), how many children you have of what sort of age and eventually… and this seems to be all of them in my personal experience.. they ask about your husband…they have, of course, already noted you to be either single or not showing a relationship status. Or they don’t care. If, as with my page, little is left to imagination, they are on to a winner.
Or so they think.
The tragedy is the follow up messages from women they have befriended before… the ones in failing marriages, the widows, the lonely hearts crying out for a little affection. The ones ready to leave their lives and families for this guy… or to empty their savings to help in the inevitable crisis. Their hearts are broken, they have the courage to speak out. Few do. Most are too ashamed. For some it is too late… their need for affection was too great and they, themselves, are broken; the ripples from these encounters spread wide.
They are scum. I make no bones about my opinion.
Sue Vincent's Daily Echo 
I am ultra cautious about wannabe friends, but I think we cannot be too careful. There is no such thing as TOO careful. Thank you.
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There are some very plausible scammers out there.
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Yikes, sounds creepy as hell. No more than Predators.
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I can think of shorter, more appropriate words…. 😉
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😀
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I am getting bombarded on FB by them almost daily. Same stories, small children and they start the love talk and what gets me is I am telling them I don’t chat and then they want to text. I have been outright rude to them and they just keep talking. They get themselves listed on your friends page so you have mutual friends and then move on down the list getting as many as possible. At the bottom of some of their chat boxes it says not accepting money right this minute. WTF.
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I just block them these days. I have better things to do with my time than waste it on such as they.
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Every time I see the new friend icon I freeze. I friended someone the other day and forgot. It was them accepting. I am becoming even more paranoid.
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I think we just have to take a little extra care, Tessa. Otherwise, these swine are affecting how we live whether we like it or not.
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Yeah they are messing with my enjoyment of facebook.
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This kind of fraud is going on all online places now. 10 years ago it went on by emails. They are also very active through Skype, where their photos show military generals in war zones and if you find their IP-address they are in either Nigeria or Malaysia.
Scammers are operating all places and it is needed to be very careful. All is about money, which should be enough to stay away from them.
Great post Sue.
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It makes me very angry when I see the damage they do to people’s lives, Irene.
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Me too Sue and I have seen much of this too.
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Gosh! I knew this kind of thing was happening on on-line dating sites. A former colleague of mine sent a load of money to “women” around the world who said they were in love with him. He really spent thousands and thousands, in response to the made-up stories you refer to. I didn’t realise this was happening on WP, but I’ve read it more than once already now, so seems like a pretty serious issue. Thanks for raising awareness, Sue. Warm greetings, Sam
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Sadly, Sam, it appears to be rife across all forms of social media. It demands for us all to take care these days.
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I decline friendship requests from anyone in a military uniform (they always seem to have a high rank, too. I fear the US army is full of generals and no squaddies) and FB blocks them. I’ve never checked their sense of humour levels but when I believe you when you say they are humourless.
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I agree… way too many generals in that particular ‘corps’…
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Sad. It is not just social platform. They seem ubiquitous. I still get emails from Nigeria, Rwanda, Greece from “an old friend” who has lost their passport and money and wants help getting back.
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Yes, sadly, that happens a lot too, though I think such things are perhaps easier to spot than some of the social scammers.
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I think you’ve been quite polite in the circumstances. When did anyone give these parasites the right to live via theft and hurt people in the process.? They should be hung from a lamppost by their genetalia until they repay everything.
xxx Huge Hugs xxx.
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An interesting prospect, David. And after what I’ve seen them do, not a bad idea. xxx
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Sue, great post! A much needed message! I’ve been suspicious of many friend offers and delete them. Gut feeling only! Think others have a fleeting moment of that and dismiss it! Just saying trust it and delete! Chryssa
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Yes, I’d agree with that, Chryssa.
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The effluvia from the anal orifices of primordial pond scum, to be exact.
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Nicely put.
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Even I have had some strange women ask to be friends on FB. I feel a bit Groucho Marx – why would I want to join a club that wants me as a member? Never touch them at all. Early on this weird bloke with the same name as a friend offered to be my befriend and I said yes. The this weird stuff started and I soon got him off the list. Lesson learned. Good message Sue. I think the Pendulous Prosser Punishment is the answer too.
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There seems to be an awful lot of it about and for those fairly new to social media it can be a big problem; the normal criteria for ‘making friends’ has a whole other set of shades when you have to trust that who you meet are really who they say they are.
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I don’t friend anyone on FB unless I know them – however, I’ve not really been targeted by this type of person, other than the occasional email which is so obviously a scam I press delete straight away. However, I can imagine how, when people are feeling vulnerable, it’s easy to be drawn in by someone who seems to be offering love and friendship. The sad part is the price to be paid in return. I don’t know how those who perpetuate these scams can look at themselves in the mirror.
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Unfortunately, what they see in the mirror probably fills them with pride in their crafty abilities. It is a despicable thing to prey on the emotions of the vulnerable.
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absolutely, there is no justification for it whatsoever.
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No, there isn’t.
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Sadly, there will alway be predators and victims. I always wonder about women who fall for these men. I’ve had a couple approach me on Linked In, it was so obvious I blocked them straight away. But clearly it works for them.
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Most of them are so blatantly obvious, but when you are desperately lonely or unhappy, a little attention can mean a lot. Even if it is false.
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I guess so often we see hat we want to see.
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That, I think, is the heart f the problem.
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Of many problems. 😏
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Indeed 😉
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Good of you to put this out there Sue. I get about 8 contacts a day on Skype and just as many on Google. I don’t respond to them at all. Yes, most are military related. Complimenting me and wanting to be my friend, so the messages begin, as I look no further and push delete. I would like to hope that the good people who use social media for their writing careers are already well versed in this, but it’s overwhelming the amount of people I read about or hear on the news that are so vulnerable and roped into these people. 🙂
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Most are too friendly and very obvious, but I’ve seen some awful stories unfold for those less aware and more vulnerable, Debby. The ‘best’ one to date wasted two lines on my ‘fascinating beauty’ then sent a whole list of personal questions he expected me to answer!? I think not….
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Wow, could we ever trade stories! LOL ❤
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One of these days over coffee… 😉
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That would be great! 🙂
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Wouldn’t it? 😀
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Also beware anyone you don’t actually know asking for your address. I just experienced a week texting a scammer. I didn’t give money when the crises occurred. I filled out an FBI internet crime report.
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Quite true, you should never give personal details to anyone you are not absolutely certain of. A genuine friend will be happy to protect your security.
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Good advice, Sue. Thanks for sharing
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I really detest these predators.
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Brilliant post Sue. Not only are you letting people into your life, it’s your friend’s and family’s lives too. Especially on FB in relation to what you like and comment on, everybody you have friended can see this. If you haven’t met someone face to face … you don’t know who they are. Great awareness post Sue.
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Thanks, Belinda. You can probably tell these ‘gentlemen’ really annoy me… simply by their existence.
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Like I just said to Deb on her re-blog of this post Sue, I really wasn’t aware of these sorts of behaviours. It is concerning but it’s great that people like yourself inform others of these things.
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There is an awful lot of it about, Belinda. Like Deb, there are few days when I don’t get one of these trying their luck and I’ve seen so much hurt from their behaviour.
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Sue … I’m actually quite shocked that especially you two need to put up with that sort of behaviour. So glad you posted this.
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Most women with any kind of public profile will get it eventually, unfortunately.
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Ewww … I think this is when I would become very ‘unpublic’ Sue.
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Nicely put 😉 Sadly, some of us can’t… but the ‘block’ button remedies most things… ‘report’ helps too.
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People really need to think before they act …
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Indeed…
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Yuck, Sue. I’ve encountered them in Google+ to the point that I almost don’t use that platform at all. FB has gotten worse lately, but because FB shows who the mutual friends are, it’s easier to make a judgment. The whole thing gives me the creeps. As a new author/blogger, I didn’t want to be rude to a fan and accepted a few “friends” that I quickly deleted. Now I am much more cautious and can usually tell the difference. Great awareness post.
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I went through pretty much the same process and am quick to hit the delete or block button these days. That saddens me as how can I know for sure, without investigating, whether a real person and a potential friend has just been rejected because of these …*pauses to search for relatively polite term* scoundrels.
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Being a man, in this case has it’s advantage. I do sometimes get the connection requests on Google + from some attractive young thing whose profile is nearly empty and what is there has nothing that signifies why she might want a connection to me. Oddly enough there are often guys she is already connected to within my circles. Most likely the interest is in peddling photos of herself, which I neither need nor would pay for. But this is trivial stuff and pales in comparison to the intentions of the stalkers/con men who prey on women.
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There are women intent on finding a provider of visas or money or a number of other things… as with the other side of the coin, most men won’t be fooled, but there are those vulnerable and lonely souls who may get terribly hurt.
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This post is very timely, since they usually become more active before Christmas 🙂 I am sorry for the victims, both genders. I used to know a female who did ( and probably still does) exactly the same thing stalking elderly men. Predators are real, the internet is their trusty tool.
I would suggest having two separate Facebook accounts – one for your family and friends, fully protected, the other for your business.
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That is a very good suggestion, even with the constantly shifting privacy parameters on Facebook.
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Only friends of friends can invite me. Also, my Friends list is visible only to me. Very seldom I ‘like’ a public post. Things like that. Being careful myself I am protecting my family and friends too. The internet is such a mess 😦
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And yet, it is such a gift too… it is down to us to make the best use of it.
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Oh it sure is a gift.
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🙂
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A must read, Sue … and, first of all, allow me say that I love the way your retold the hypothetical story from a third person point of view… very catching.-
Anyhow… I have decided after many inappropriate messages and even a few disappointments not to reply to any personal message on twitter, Instagram and Google Plus…
I am not on Facebook because I knew that it was a Social Media to ´pick up´ somehow… Still, I am a little bit concerned about the effects virtuality could have in one´s real life…
I am not interested in knowing someone personally online in the sense of a relationship…
I mainly use Social Media for fun and Twitter as an appendix of my WordPress friends…
I think my interests are basically intelectual as well as guided by the aim of always keep on improving my second language, i.e English…but once you are there some people think you are looking for someone, maybe… I really don´t get it-
I think your post is not only accurate but can be taken a a warning signal, as well..
Thanks for sharing… sending all my best wishes. Aquileana 💫🔆
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Thank you, Aquileana, sadly the story is a true one that I saw happen to a young mother. I know there are many who are ‘looking for someone’ online… and I know a few who have found them and taken happiness… or friendship… into the real world. Sadly though there are many who simply use need and loneliness as the tools of. their trade and people get hurt.
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Reblogged this on VisualProse and commented:
Yikes…don’t fall for it.
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Thanks for reblogging 🙂
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