17/8/09

People often seem to say “I don’t know how you cope”. I think one just does, somehow. Maybe worrying about everyone else takes the focus away from the self, enough to keep you on your feet.. or at least on your knees.

Kevin concerns me most at present as he is really struggling to come to terms with it all and the changes it will mean, especially for us as a couple. He is scared stiff of an unforeseeable future and I can understand that completely. So am I. He doesn’t know how, or if, he will be able to deal with all the changes to the life we had hoped to share as we get older. It doesn’t help me waking him screaming every night.( Not that it’s doing me a lot of good watching family members severally and individually murdered or dismembered nightly). Between that and the financial strain we are all under, he has every reason to be stressed and worried.

Nick, however, has been talking with my grandchildren in his dreams, he says. Now, as I don’t have any yet…

Alex vacillates between anger and jubilation.. the latter whenever he sees his brother. Even the Sister said she would never forget seeing Alex come in quiet and tall, looking very much as she imagined Nick should look, and sit with his brother, holding his hand and quietly talking to him. For me the enduring image I shall always carry, I think, is the healthy brown hand holding the pale, limp hand of his brother.

I’ve been waging a running battle on that ward this past week to get Nick decent care! The therapists are wonderful.. but the personal care left a great deal to be desired. However, the mere word ‘tabloids’ seems to have had a galvanising effect…

It’s all small steps, but they all add up! It tends to sound better than it looks when you see Nick, but let’s not forget where we were a few weeks ago, planning a funeral with almost no hope at all of ever having Nick back with us.

We have established beyond doubt that Nick’s mind is intact.. his memories, his intellect, tastes and personality.. even (well, there had to be a downside..) the dreadful sense of humour. His eyebrows are as mobile and expressive as they ever were…

Physically, Nick’s strength is phenomenal.. always has been.. he’s one of the slim, wiry type who can consume enough calories for a small country and never put weight on (makes me sick… ). He has a hearing problem in the left ear still.. like low volume, he says. His eyes now both turn inwards, partly due to the damage, partly to muscular weakness, we think.. and this gives him double vision, which in turn limits what he can do and affects his hand/eye co-ordination quite severely.

His left side has full range of movement, but lacks fine co-ordination. However, he can drink for himself and use the alphabet board to communicate clearly and with great complexity.

The right leg has both movement and strength, but still lacks control. The right arm is incredibly strong.. from shoulder to elbow. The wrist and hand, especially the fingers, are still moving just minimally. I’m massaging daily and unfolding his fingers, which seems to help. I’m doing the same with his feet and lower legs too. We started that back when he was still in the coma.

His movements are jerky and he is still struggling for proper control.. but it’s a hell of an achievement so far!

Nick is finally eating, and I quote, REAL food. (Ok, so its’ lumpy puree, but it’s still food!) He says his mouth and lips feel numb, like a dentist’s anaesthetic, but even so, he is also beginning to speak. His ability to use language (even some which may be less than appropriate in polite company) seems unchanged.. however, the voice is far from being his own, and he is struggling against the numbness and remnants of paralysis, so there is a very long way to go with that yet.

Though, from a purely selfish standpoint, “Hello, Mum,” is the most beautiful sound on the planet

Physio have him on the tilt table daily, so he is able to bear his weight on his feet, and they sit him on the side of the bed.. where he can now hold himself upright for a little while. His muscles are strong, but they tire very, very quickly just yet.

Now if only we could convince the nursing staff it really isn’t that much trouble to pass him a bottle or bring him a bed pan…  … in under an hour or so, we might be able to restore a modicum of dignity!

All in all, his progress is unbelievable. It is only four weeks since he woke up.. only two and a half since he really became aware… Nick is, at present, severely disabled and completely dependent. But he is fighting back with every ounce of strength, both his own and that gifted to him through the support and prayers of so many kind people.

And he hasn’t even started rehab properly yet!

We are at the beginning of a very, very long road. It is impossible as yet to say how far he will be able to recover the use and control of his body, but given his determined progress so far, I am putting no limits on what he can achieve.

Nor, crucially, is Nick