It is a very strange situation to be in, really. Over a week ago, I was given ‘days to weeks’ to live, with no one knowing upon which side of that particular marker the Reaper would come calling. It isn’t as if we have it scheduled in our diaries… or, if he has, he hasn’t let me know. On the one hand, this is good. I am not sitting here like Pratchett’s Windle Poons, watching the clock and waiting for a no-show. On the other hand, I am both vaguely surprised and inordinately grateful every morning when I open my eyes on a new day,
It means that having much still to do and probably too little time left, I am working like a steam strain… albeit one whose pressure is running sadly low… to complete the tasks I think that really need to, or would like to complete before it is too late. To do so, I am working harder than perhaps I should… but even if I live more ‘days to weeks’ than expected, as the cancer is behind my eyes now and has already taken one of them, there is no guarantee I will be able to see to work for much longer.
So, I’m getting on with things. And all the while I know that, in the greater scheme, what matters to me personally right now may well not matter to anyone else at all. But that’s okay. You do what you feel is right.
One of the things I am getting on with is sorting the books. The earliest ones were written with Stuart in the throes of our excitement at having a genuine, esoteric adventure laid at our feet. Because we wanted to share the excitement, the books went out in colour, making them so uncomfortably expensive it felt like daylight robbery to sell them at that price at all… even while we had no space for royalties built-in. So that is being rectified. Sorting things in the home… the business end of the dying process… that is all underway. I still need to live and pay the bills. I need to sell the car… and while I have reached a point where I could now eat anything I want and say to hell with the calories… I can no longer eat much at all and yet the shopping still has to be done. And every morning, a batch of texts and emails go out to simply say, ‘I’m still here…’
It is a very strange place in which to find yourself. But, like most strange things, it has two sides…
One of the real beauties of still being here is getting to glimpse my own eulogy, so to speak. From the thousands of messages that have made their way to my desktop… from the Carrot Ranch’s Rodeo, to the comments and emails through the blog as well as the personal friends and family… It has astonished me to see and feel the love out there. The sheer volume of communication is something I would never in a million years have expected and for which I am grateful beyond words. It is undoubtedly a healing experience for a heart that has been through the mill more than once in its time. And, as I have said before, it offers its healing to more than me alone, as my sons and those I love see that I touched lives beyond my own too.
For every beauty, though, there is another side… and it is not always obvious which is which. Every friend who reaches out to say goodbye at this moment is reaching out to one person… one farewell. Those of us who know we are about to leave are reaching out too… but for us, the goodbyes are magnified, numbered in their hundreds… and each one carries both its own joy and grief… the griefs of parting are inevitable, but the joys of having shared time together, in the realms of imagination, virtual reality or the wonderful human world of the heart, they are worth any number of tears.
Love wears many faces, from the life-sharing depths of parenthood and partnership, to the life-affirming gifts of kindness and friendship… there are so many ways to express and share it that we could never exhaust its abundance.
How do you judge which side of the coin is ‘better’? To have not loved and laughed together, not felt the joy that must always hold a kernel of potential grief at its heart? Or to pass quietly and serenely without the searing heartaches of love to accompany each farewell?
If each tear is an echo of joy, each touch recalls tenderness, and each sigh remembers laughter. I know which I would choose.
Sue Vincent's Daily Echo 
{{{HUGS}}}
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❤
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My prayers to you and your loved ones. Stay strong.🌹
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Thank you, Sheri.
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My pleasure. Have a wonderful day.☺
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This is such an unusual opportunity for you and those who love you. Seldom do people get the chance to say goodbye. And often this is one of the regrets felt by those left behind. I am truly grateful that I got to know you and got to interact with you for some while. Wishing you and your family ease in these difficult days. Prayers and hugs Sue.
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Thank you, Sadje. It really is never easy to say hese goodbyes… but to not have the chance to ay them? Or spend time, in reality or virtuall. That would be far worse in my eyes…
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I know, because it is a genuine regret for me that I never knew my mom as she passed away when I was six.
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Oh that is sad, Sadje. I wish I could hug the child in you for that.
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Thanks Sue. These words mean a lot to me.
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❤
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❤️
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Keep finding the jobs, Sue… they seem to be working… XXX
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I have a very long list 😉 xxx
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Bless you, Sue…
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🙂
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Heh, heh, heh, good! 😀
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😀
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I can feel the love every time I come here, and I hope I can keep on coming. You are an amazing lady, Sue! And I love the headstone in your photo 🙂 🙂
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It is rather cool.. just beside the road in the middleof nowhere in Derbyshire 🙂
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🤗💕
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To have loved and been loved is the greatest gift of all. 💕
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I have to agree 🙂
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I came across the quote from AA Milne recently as I am on the other side dealing with the loss of someone – I hope it comforts you “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
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I am so sorry for your loss… I have been thre too. That is indeed a beautiful and meaningful quotaion.
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Reblogged this on pensitivity101 and commented:
Another wonderful post from Sue, full of insight, observations and honesty.
Enjoy.
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❤
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You are an amazing woman, Sue, and are facing this with strength. I admire you and how you are managing to continue to post on your blog.
I feel privileged to have known you, if only virtually. You have inspired so many people and you have made a difference to the world.
Hugs
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I’m working still…which is a gift in itself for me. And grateful for very extra bit of time to spend with people, whether in ‘reality’ or here.
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Thank you from us all. I love you 💜
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❤
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Reblogged this on willowdot21 and commented:
The beauty of joy and sorrow.
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you are in a most unique point in time, and in a way a gift, to be able to say all of this. most people never get the chance, you are a living legacy. ❤
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Not somethingI ever expected to be, Beth 😉 It makes me feel ancient ❤
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you have always been an old soul, with an ancient spirit and I mean this in the best way. why would I expect any less from you at the end than I did at the beginning? you are just in transition
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Thank you, Beth. Every step is part of the same journey 🙂
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You will continue to inspire us.
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Thank you ❤
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You have no idea what a joy it is to see an email from you saying I’m still here! And the stuff you are doing is wonderful – your writings and books carry an important message and not just that, they are a shining example of a life well and magically lived. Love.
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Thank you… I’m quite glad to be able to email every day:) Love x
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Reblogged this on Earth Magic Brno and commented:
Words from Sue….
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I cherish every new communication from you, Sue. Keep working, my friend, to tie up all those loose story threads. I hope you find deep joy and satisfaction with each completed task, and only you can determine what still needs your attention. As always, you are in my prayers. Love and hugs!
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Thank you, Alexander… I will work whaile I can… Hugs.
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This… “If each tear is an echo of joy, each touch recalls tenderness, and each sigh remembers laughter. I know which I would choose.” speaks beautifully to what matters. ❤️❤️
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Thanks, Colleen. It is always the smallest seeming things…. even though they never are the smallest…
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Fill your head with the sounds of the wild
the faces of friends
the taste of the wind and the sun.
Store flower heads opened petals fallen
cupped hands dripping spring water
the swirl of autumn leaves.
Take red and blue and green
and the yellow that is almost gold
silver moonlight and the pearl of mysteries.
Walk with dogs and children
fly with birds and listen with a thousand ears
to the songs of the birds.
Take us all
you have room enough
in your heart.
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I have room for that, Jane… incredibly beautiful. Thank you,
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You have room for everything. Just make that list xxx
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I will xxx
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xxx
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thank you for continuing to put out these wonderful posts that give us time to pause and to think about what is important. Here’s to more “opening your eyes to a new day”.
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I’m holding out for as many new days as I can share 🙂
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I love the positive attitude!
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Better than the alternative 😉
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👍
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Thank you yet again, Sue, for sharing your innermost thoughts, your words and your wisdom. Your messages are so profound, so beautiful and hold so much meaning for me. I will be forever grateful that I stumbled upon your blog so many years ago and that we have gotten to know each other and share our experiences. I am also grateful that, through your writing, you will always be a part of my life.
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Likewise, Fransi. I felt that we ‘clicked’ back then and nothing has changed my perception that. And although I wish that the friendship had flowered under rather better circumstances health-wise for both of us, I am glad to have shared part of the journey with you.
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Yes, I feel the same way Sue. And we’re not done 💕
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No, we’re not 😉 ❤
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I’m glad you are still able to work and are communicating. As you said, much better than watching those grains of sand fall. My guess is that if you were only paying attention to the ticks of the clock, there would be far fewer of them than there are with you living your life while it can still be lived. BTW, I love that stone at the top of the post 🙂
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I definitely agree with you there, Trent, and burning both ends of the candle, as they say, at least lights up the room 😉
The stone is superb, isn’t it? Mosaic eyes too… and just plonked by the side of a hidden Derbyshire lane, where few will ever see it.
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How can I press like? It’s an indication that I appreciate your words and thoughts. You have made me think. Thank you.
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Then that is all I can ask for, Christine 🙂
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Xx♥️
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❤ xx
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I’m glad you write these – you’ve got a really uplifting personality, and even though I hope the posts are cathartic for you, I can guarantee they make me feel some human connection (even across the pond and cyberspace!).
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I enjoy the sharing of thoughts. I would love to have everyone round a table, cuppa in hand, and share face to face.
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It would be nice!
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It would…
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Keep working on life, Sue, because that is what life is – doing and living in every moment. You are amazing and a real gem, my friend. Sending hugs and prayers. ❤️
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Thank you. Eugenia 🙂 I intend to. ❤
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I know which one you have chosen, too, Sue. Keep on living to the fullest! Angel’s wings with hugs coming your way…
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Thank you, Noelle 🙂
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My heart skips with joy whenever I see a post from you Sue, not only because they’re always beautiful and inspirational, but also because it means you’re still here with us. Being able to say goodbye is so important. I lost my dad to a brain tumor when I was 16, and although I knew what was coming, I wasn’t there at the hospital when he passed and not being able to say that final goodbye has always haunted me.
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I have felt so grateful to be ableto pend time with my sons and granddaughters these past weeks. We may not be together at the very end… but we have had time, and that mattres so much.
Hugs to you. x
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❤️
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Thinking of you. ❤️ It is a horrible situation, but it is also–as you say–something to be grateful for that you are getting to say goodbye, as well as to have loved and been loved.
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I would rather live this version of Limbo than the alternatives, Merril ❤
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Hugs. ❤️
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So many thoughts of joy and ….. possibilities? when I read this – yay! one more day! Then, I remembered the hours long phone call Dad and I had one Sunday morning, on the power of prayer and love – and the thought entered my mind unbidden….what if? What if the millions of hugs, loves, prayers, well wishes – what if each one of them ‘took out’ part of the ‘rogue within’ – ? Not mine to say, nor my wish to intefere with another’s destiny or path – on the other hand – i also remember all the tales of ‘spontaneous remission’ after modern medicine gave up – and folks were sent home with no restrictions on anything – allowed to do whatever they wished – – and so, for me? Each day is a two-side coin, as well – flipping between fond and loving bon voyage – pre-trip party AND throwing a ‘welcome home’ party each time you return from dreamland’s ‘short excursion’ – :). ❤
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I am grateful for the time I have been granted and for every moment I am given with those I love… but as Nick keeps reminding me, miracles can happen. Ifthey don’t, they already have 🙂
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Miracles abound as long as we are paying attention! :). ❤
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And if they are appropriate 😉
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appropriate in asking for? or noticing? For me? In the Universal World? My signature line for all ‘noticing/asking’ etc., carries the tagline of ‘for the highest good of all involved’ in case I’m ‘stepping on toes, wishing for the inappropriate’ for overall beauty and order – – LOL 🙂
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That one covers pretty much everything 🙂
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I am such a fan of one stop shopping until I’m not – in the Universal Store? Don’t feel like I’m one stop shopping and supporting evil – – LOL
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Keeping it simple works for me 😉
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The “Main Star” (sun) is shining, just now – where I am at – – I walked out to see Oakley girl soaking up the warmth for older joints, Vitamin D for heart – and walked back in thinking, “Thank goodness for this day of no storm fronts passing through – I can sit in front of the computer and do some work/connection etc., without sighing and thinking, “meh – I really just want to take a nap to escape the pain of MY joints!” – – LOL. Such a small thing, really – but, for today? It’s Good Enough!
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It doesn’t take much some days to make a good day 🙂
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Yup – which is why, on most days? No matter what? I ‘look for’ any miracle that shows up – – Oakely girl still alive – – Sue posted – – the sun is shining – I woke up AND no deep pain – Ta-DA! Miraculous! My mom woke up to see spring bulbs pushing out from the ground and is already in pre-mourning, cuz she KNOWS they will get destroyed/nipped in the bud by late freeze in her area – – sigh – she cannot stand my ‘plan for the worst’ operations in politics/everyday life, but I made her laugh when I said, “Planning for the worse in bulb land, are we???” – – LOL
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Ah I can understand that… freezing cold here, but the prunus is in flower…
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I posted on wrong thread, so double posting!!! “[My mom’s] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it’s her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.”
― Rick Riordan
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“[My mom’s] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it’s her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.”
― Rick Riordan
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I approve of that:)
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Every day I see your words is also a gift to me. All that you have given us will remain–I hope you know that. Time is elastic and you have learned to use it well. So who knows? (K)
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Time has been very accomodating so far…
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It is much better to have loved, Sue, and suffer any resultant heartache, than not to have experienced this joy. I think of you every day.
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Thank you, Robbie, I have bever felt as surrounded by love and care as I have these past weeks,
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Each day is like another gift from you, your heart, your honesty. We are listening and loving.
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Thank you, Ruth.
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As I ponder an appropriate comment the scene from Monty Python and the Holy grail comes to mind as they barrow an old man away to the cry of Bring out your dead! And he chimes I’m not dead yet. And the the embarrassment in The Life of Brian of the cured leper still begging. Yes, I’d really wish to embarrass you in the spring next year when you’re still blogging. That’s my wish and every one here. We want you embarassed, please!
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I would happily be embarassed on that front 🙂
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Each day, when I get up I light a candle on my altar for you. At some point throughout the day I gently blow it out. I light the candle to celebrate you in my life and I blow it out as a reminder to myself that you are merely moving on, and will not be gone. 🙂
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That is beautiful. Thank you. 🙂
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🙂
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Hugs and prayers…
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Higs back, Bette.
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Your circle of influence is vast, Sue. You have touched so many lives in a beautiful way. When you mentioned awakening in gratitude, I realized that I’ve started doing the same, so thanks for waking me up to being grateful for what time I have been given and have left. Love you lots! ❤
Tell Nick the maple sugaring season has started, I always think of him loving the maple cream. 🙂
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Thank you, Eliza… that’s lovely to know.
Funnily enough, I was only thinking of the maple cream yesyterday…. ❤
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The excitement of maple sugaring season never gets old – such a happy, rewarding rite of spring, makes up for all the mud. 😉
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I can imagine. 😀
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Hugs, Sue. You are well loved for sure, and though the tears and heartache are hard, oh, I would choose the same as you. ❤ ❤
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There is no other choice ❤
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Sue, your words will always live on. And you are leaving a legacy of your life for the world to enjoy. My heart is heavy for you Sue. You are always in my prayers. ❤ xx
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Thank you, Debby… just smile for me, yake care of you… and keep egging me onwards for enough time to get the work done 😉 xx
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You go girl. I know what you mean. I spend every day trying to beat the clock with to do list. Not sure we will ever get it all done, just like will we have time to read the thousand books on our KIndles. We just continue doing. ❤
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I just have the feeling that I might stick around longer if I am being useful 😉 xx
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That’s the spirit! ❤
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❤
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You are such a shining light and inspiration, Sue. You are so right when you say Love wears many faces. What an incredible journey to be in a human body on earth, even a body that is failing you. Sending light and love. Angels are strongly with you. Feel their love.
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It really is a privilege to be part of this vast and complex dance of perfection… and we so often do not even notice it…
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I woke up this Sunday morning to your post. Thank you for giving me such love today. I have been given the gift of ‘one-more-Sue-day’, words that feel so good. Thank you!
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Thanks, Jennie… what a lovely thing to say 🙂
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You are most welcome, Sue. ❤️
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❤
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Reblogged this on The Reluctant Poet and commented:
PLEASE Come and spend some precious time with Sue Vincent!!!
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*hugs*
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Your history will live on, Sue. Your poems and writing will never be lost, for they have been archived in the hearts of many. We may lose you physically, but not in our hearts.💖💖
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Thank you, Camryn. That’s a lovely place to be 🙂
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