Talking to myself

nick north days 032I was going back through some old writings and as is often the way, things written long ago come to my eyes as if penned by another hand and heart. Meaning leaps from the page, revelations lurk behind each word and understanding dawns as if for the first time. And yet, the words which bring these apparent gifts are my own.

How could I have written what I did not understand? Where did the words arise to capture such ephemeral wisps of thought? Ideas, teachings, wisdom I do not possess stare back at me from the page as if they have materialised from some other reality where the hand that wrote them had far greater depth than I. And yet, I know that hand was mine.

The words written years ago have become part of the yellowed paper. Thoughts were manifested within the letters scrawled across the page. They have not changed. Yet I might have written in invisible ink for all I understood as I wrote, so what has changed? Only the writer… the years, the continuous learning curve of life, the multitude of experiences, knowledge gained and illusions lost… all contribute to a changed perspective from which many things look different now from how they looked then.

Some revelations come simply from that transition between knowledge and understanding; from an abstract and intellectualised concept to a living knowing. Some ideas become clearer as we are distanced from them; we can be so close sometimes that we cannot see anything but the detail and the shift in perception afforded by the passage of time allows us to take a wider view. There are many things in those pages that I did not even know I knew, but on some level, at least, I must have done so or they would not now be staring back at me from the past. As a friend once put it, it is interesting when you become your own teacher.

Although, we always are. No matter what life gives us to work with, we can only shape what we can hold in awareness. Our perception is not pure, but is clouded by the accumulated layers of experience and reaction that have built up around us, so that anything that comes to us is seen only ‘through a glass darkly’. It can be a lifetime and the devil’s own job to chip away that accretion and change our perspective. First we have to realise how securely we have immured ourselves and the walls built by our emotions can be a veritable bastion.

Occasionally, though, the mortar crumbles and a gleam of light blazes through, illuminating that which was before our eyes all the time and then we sit back in wonder at how we missed something so obvious that it shines. And yet, when the gem we have missed comes from our own pen, we have to wonder where it sprang from in the first place.

It was there all along. Perhaps there is a part of each of us that Knows… that doesn’t need to seek the answers, but which needs our conscious mind and heart to seek and ask the questions.

We can spend a lifetime in that seeking, only to find that the object of our quest was never lost. The words on the brittle pages are gifts, laid unknowingly aside in our inexperience, waiting, like a seed, to spring into life and bloom when we are ready. On some level of being, we already have both the questions and the answers. We just don’t realise that we do.

About Sue Vincent

Sue Vincent is a Yorkshire-born writer and one of the Directors of The Silent Eye, a modern Mystery School. She writes alone and with Stuart France, exploring ancient myths, the mysterious landscape of Albion and the inner journey of the soul. Find out more at France and Vincent. She is owned by a small dog who also blogs. Follow her at scvincent.com and on Twitter @SCVincent. Find her books on Goodreads and follow her on Amazon worldwide to find out about new releases and offers. Email: findme@scvincent.com.
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26 Responses to Talking to myself

  1. Ritu says:

    Oh my, I so agree with this Sue! There are times I look back on things, and can’t believe that it was me who wrote that.

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  2. It’s what I love the most about spontaneous, unplanned writing…the truth, the answers have always been there, on so many levels. Great piece, Sue.

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  3. Interesting thoughts, Sue. 🙂 —

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  4. Bernadette says:

    There is an old saying Sue, “Hindsight is 20 – 20”.

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  5. Yes, I can very much relate to this.

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  6. adeleulnais says:

    i agree with this, Sue. I think that when the timing is right for us in our life course, we find things or remember things we already knew. x

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  7. paulandruss says:

    Lovely thoughtful post

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  8. Lyn Horner says:

    I, too, surprise myself at times with a spontaneous insight. Where did it come from? I have no idea. Fascinating topic, Sue!

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  9. I have the same reaction to my older pieces … but sometimes, a year after that … they make more sense (again). I think our understanding flicks in and out. Mine certainly does. I change a lot from year to year. There are some fundamental things that never change, but almost everything else?

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  10. dgkaye says:

    Much truth Sue. I find it amazing to myself when I look back at things I wrote years ago and wonder similar thoughts. It’s also nice to see how far we’ve come from our writing. 🙂 xo

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  11. KL Caley says:

    Very true, Sue! I love reading my cringe-worthy teenage diaries re-living the “dramas” my young heart faced. Life seen through so many perspectives. KL ❤

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