It has been a lousy weekend. How’s that for a start to a cold, wet Monday? The wind demolished the fence and it is now beyond my skill to fix it single handedly, and the dog is persistent in her efforts to escape. The internet has been dropping out left, right and centre, the PC has misbehaved, there have been power cuts, I’m way behind on just about everything… For the last bit at least, I have only myself to blame; the mojo up and went, leaving me high and dry and unable to settle to anything much.
Even the dog gave up on me and took to gardening instead of playing fetch. As the winter tidy-up is on the to-do list, she probably thought she was helping… though I could wish she hadn’t tried to be quite so helpful in the mud when the sofa is cream and the washing machine dead. Add to that a second and unexpected round of hot-tub cleaning in freezing weather and you look upon one who has not enjoyed a weekend’s repose.
Why? Apart from the winds and the mechanical failures… Something on my mind that arrived in the post Saturday morning. I had been looking forward to that letter, because even though it might mean disappointment, at least it drew a line under one course and opened the gates to other possibilities. Instead, when it arrived, it brought a whole new set of unexpected problems.
We won’t mention details. Let’s just say that such unfair corporate bullying and bloody-mindedness is the final straw after a year of dealing with a distinct lack of common sense. So this morning my sleeves will be rolled up, loins duly girded and a letter drafted as a prelude to what is likely to become an altogether unpleasant episode of banging my head against the brick walls of blind minds. Under the circumstances, my words will doubtless fall upon wilfully deaf ears, but whether this is seen as a forlorn hope or the product of righteous wrath, I shall do my best to obtain an equitable resolution. Keeping my temper is going to be fun though…
Now that it is Monday, however, I can at least start to do something more productive than fretting and that makes all the difference. I love that quote from the Dalai Lama… the one that says that if you can change a situation, why worry? And if you can’t, why worry? In a perfect world and a perfect state of mind that is perfectly true. The reality is that we worry anyway and when we are forced to mark time before acting, it is human nature to fret.
I have three choices as I see it; give in meekly, run away or stand and face the prospective giant armed with little more than the slingshot of logic and a handful of common sense. I’ll be damned if I’ll do either of the first two, especially as the situation is completely unfair. In many ways it doesn’t even matter if I ‘win’ or ‘lose’… it matters more that I try. You should never bow down to the dictates of bullies… I can say that with some certainty as I did just that for much of my life, too scared and too certain of my own lack of worth to stand up for myself. Especially as it was giving in to a bully that got me into this situation in the first place.Running away might solve the immediate problem, if only after a fashion… but it doesn’t address the unfairness, nor would it do me any good. So turning to face the problem is the only option that both addresses the issues and leaves me with some dignity.
In reality, it isn’t the corporate machine that I need to face here, it is the responsibility for the consequences of my own previous lack of courage, current fears of failing and the possible consequences of that and my fear of taking on this ‘giant’, as if I am still not seeing myself as big enough or worth enough to do so. Well, if you’ll excuse me… sod that. It isn’t about not being afraid or worried… it is about doing it anyway.
Wish me luck…